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opinions please, am i overreacting, could lose precious relationship over this

(10 posts)
  1. desperate11

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    Posted 8 years ago
    Thu May 26 2011 22:34:39
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    so i found out my partner was moving to a new place last week and when i googled the apartment address for directions, first thing that popped up was bedbugregistry. there are only three accounts and it is 5 floors above but I feel I do not underestimate the severity of bedbugs. I also know he will use shared laundry room so that is probably where the risk increases. I've done my research and have unfortunately become paranoid over them. I live one of the targeted cities and where he's moving to is one of the core hotspots.

    We have gotten in many fights/arguements regarding this topic. he has even called bedbugregistry along the lines of conspiracy. it has with regret come down to me picking him over potential bedbugs. I live with my parents in a 3 floor house and if I introduce debt through how many thousands of $ I get a stomache just thinking about it. I am so scared of the possibility because it's not just my concern, it will affect all my family members, even my dog. I honestly don't know what I would do living with this guilt. On the other hand, I really think he is the love of my life and I see myself even being married.

    I won't even be allowed to be cautious, I've thought about packing new set of clothes (in XL ziploc) in the event I wake up one morning with bites but the idea of that gets me labelled as paranoid, eating myself up with fear, ignorant and even stupid. I am just so stuck, am I completely in the wrong? Why can't he put more concern into this especially if he's claimed to do some research. I just DON'T understand why it's not of at least moderate importance and why someone would still move into a place with proven cases and if not, just bound to.........

    I would just really appreciate some opinions........(about the bedbugs not so much our relationship which is already at the end of the rope)

  2. blargg

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    Posted 8 years ago
    Thu May 26 2011 23:00:17
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    Can he find a rental house outside of town or somewhere that's NOT an apartment? I see your dilemma, but if I were you, I would not risk getting bedbugs.

  3. peppy

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    Posted 8 years ago
    Thu May 26 2011 23:18:34
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    Could you protect yourself when you get back to your home by purchasing a Packtite, and putting your clothing that was worn in his home into the Packtite, along with anything you took with you? That might help solve the problem.

    I hope you don't mind me saying this, but this bothered me:
    "I won't even be allowed to be cautious, I've thought about packing new set of clothes (in XL ziploc) in the event I wake up one morning with bites but the idea of that gets me labelled as paranoid, eating myself up with fear, ignorant and even stupid."

    I know many people here have gotten into arguments with their significant others over bedbugs and "overreacting" to them, but it concerns me that if you want to take precautions to make yourself feel more comfortable/secure, your boyfriend will label you as stupid. It also bothers me that you say you won't be "allowed" to be cautious. If this is really someone you think you might spend the rest of your life with, I humbly and respectfully suggest you take a look at this kind of behavior. Do you want to be with someone who will ignore you concerns, make fun of you, call your stupid, and *forbid* you from doing things? Even if you were overreacting, it seems to me that he should be supportive rather than castigating you.

    I realize I might be reading into what you wrote--perhaps he is very supportive but just doesn't want you to go off of the deep end? But reading what you wrote set off some red flags for me. Sorry if I overstepped.

  4. Buglyn

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    Posted 8 years ago
    Thu May 26 2011 23:31:07
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    I lived in a building where people on the first floor had bedbugs. I lived on the second floor for two years, and though I didn't find out about the issue until well into the second year, I never had a problem. I had roaches, and once had mice, but never had bedbugs. This, despite the fact that the woman who had them was...not the swiftest. (She disposed of her mattress by leaning it up against the side of the building, without wrapping it. Then, after vacuuming her apartment as part of her treatment, she decided to dispose of her vacuum cleaner by putting it in the lobby with a sign that said "free vacuum cleaner." Brilliant, lady. Just brilliant.)

    So, it's possible to live in a building that has bedbugs and not get them. Even if the neighbor that has them is almost intentionally hastening their onslaught.

    If the issue is your bringing stuff home, how about this: Keep the giant Ziploc bags not at his house, but right by the door in your parents' house. When you get home after staying at your partner's place, take off as much clothing as you can right after getting in the door, and put it in the bag. Then either keep the bag sealed until you're doing laundry, or just wash/dry those clothes as hot as possible (I find that 90 minutes in the dryer gets things pretty well cooked). This way, you get to have some peace of mind, but without making your guy feel like he's Patient Zero.

    That said, you might want to consider the fact that your guy doesn't even have them yet. Do what you can to keep your parents' place isolated, but also do yourself a favor, and save your worries for when you have a concrete problem. If both you and your partner don't have bedbugs, you might as well enjoy it. I know I would.

  5. NoBB

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    Posted 8 years ago
    Fri May 27 2011 0:45:05
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    Could you elaborate on "I won't even be allowed to be cautious"?

    "Why can't he put more concern into this especially if he's claimed to do some research."
    --> Regarding that, I'd say print out an appropriate article and read it together? Maybe it'll take only 10 minutes or so. Or even some of the horror stories shared on this forum.

    After such communication, maybe he'll be more open to discussing preventative measures with you?

  6. rAVENSFAN99

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    Posted 8 years ago
    Fri May 27 2011 10:55:53
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    I love this assertation that people who post on the bed bug registry are part of some conspiracy to take down their landlords.

    I'm sure it happens, but it's not the first place my mind would go. It happened in my building--one side was badly affected, while the other side remained mostly unaware there was even a problem. A flame war erupted on the BB registry, with clueless tenants accusing others of trying to scare people away for the sole purpose of "sticking it" to the landlord.

    If your boyfriend is not willing to do the legwork of even speaking to the neighbors or taking the minimal precautions, send him this way. We'll show him pictures and tell him stories of how infestations have wreaked havoc on our lives. You may be overreacting, but it sounds like he's under-reacting.

    And by the way, if you're in NYC, he's required to be shown a bed bug disclosure indicating whether there are or were bed bugs in his building.

    Good luck.

  7. TorontoBugged

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    Posted 8 years ago
    Fri May 27 2011 16:40:48
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    Bedbugs is a horrible life event but I guess you have to ask yourself - can you bear not having him in your life - and is this really about the bedbugs?

    Sometimes what seems like a bad thing can make us think about things we wouldn't have otherwise.

  8. roamer

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    Posted 8 years ago
    Fri May 27 2011 16:40:59
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    My husband isn't acting very concerned right now, either. Maybe because he isn't allergic to the buggers? Or he isn't phobic like I am? Hopefully, after looking at some articles he'll understand. I 've spent almost the entire day researching BB's. I wonder if it could be a gender difference? Whoa now, not trying to be sexist. But maybe men just aren't that worried about bugs. These are an epidemic, though. Follow your heart and you'll be ok.

  9. MyWorstFear

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    Posted 8 years ago
    Sat May 28 2011 20:15:08
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    Peppy brought up some very good points! Great post Peppy! I totally agree with what you wrote!

  10. desperate11

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    Posted 8 years ago
    Thu Jun 2 2011 15:16:09
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    Thank you EVERYONE for your comments, opinions and ideas. Immediately after reading the first few responses, I already felt more at ease and less stressed.

    BLARGG-it wasn't an option..it was either take it or leave it. completely unreasonable but he wanted downtown...

    peppy- thank you and no you didn't overstep anything. PACKTITE. YES i would so purchase one! if i could! I'm in canada...i even googled "black market packtite" ...and no...

    Bugyln- oh gawd..the free vacuum cleaner. that lady just SUCKS. that's sad. and yeah you're right...i'm finally going to visit and see it for the first time today...and stay overnight. I'm worried but this last week i've been obsessing less. (finally) THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE ZIPLOC BAG OUTSIDE PARENTS HOUSE. it's like /doh why didn't i think of that!

    **********am i way paranoid being worried about potential little nymphs surrounding the opening of the ziploc??? i keep thinking...how do i open/take out/put in things without risks?? like my toiletries in ziplocs...taking them in and out. My idea is to bring a big hangbag/purse I don't care for and store that in a whitetrashbag outside. AND MY SHOES...I've been thinking of wearing one or two pairs i'm willing to sacrifice....leave them outside...in a bag...

    NoBB-thanks for the suggestion. it was good but i didn't see it as something that'd turn out well...apparently he says he's done his portion of research.....

    ravenfan99 -he was nice enough to ask about the previous bedbug history and the current roommate's been living there for year and half and said landlord gave laundry cash for him to do laundry outside of building. and that there was an infestation 5 floors above....****this is stupid and bullshit though........[apparently if a building has passed TWICE by an inspector (once a year) it is CLEARED. and doesn't not need anymore inspections....what the hell does that prove...] (vancouver btw) plus my biggest concern isn't just the building...it's the fact almost every building in that area has had reports....and thank you for sympathizing

    torontobugged-..i know what you mean. i don't know..it's a hard decision since the relationship isn't even at a secure state...

    roamer-no way it's not a gender thing. and yeah if he's not allergic (just like how my bf claims he may be coz apparently a prior place he stayed at had them) if he's not allergic.....that's just worse. he won't know until he finds many of them and by then it's too late eh.

    Thanks all


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