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breaking down

(12 posts)
  1. Valkyrie

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    Posted 8 years ago
    Thu Sep 8 2011 10:50:23
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    I just need to vent for a moment...

    I am so tired. SO tired. I'm overjoyed PC will be here tomorrow, but I am still so afraid this will all be for nothing. The LL thinks it should only take one treatment to be rid of them so I know if they come back, when they come back, he will blame us. Us, my boyfriend and I who have been doing laundry and vacuuming and working so hard to do all this right. Or at least I have. Why do men who live with woman dive into denial about this? His bites don't itch so it's easy for him to ignore. He knows the toll this is taking on me and I know that upsets him.

    I've had the last two days off from work so that has been great. I've been able to get ready for treatment but I am so, so exhausted. I'm not looking forward to working today. I work for a cellular service provider so daily I deal with people who are going through a personal crisis because their battery only lasts two days, or their ringer isn't working or they were charged an extra .99 cents on their bill. I'm just not sure I can deal with that today without screaming at someone "AT LEAST YOU DON'T HAVE BED BUGS!!! YOU UNGRATEFUL TURD"

    At least I even have a place to live. I have a lot of things I need to be grateful that I have but it's hard to remember those things when I'm so dang emotionally and physically tired. I saw another topic on here when I first started lurking about perspective. Wouldn't it be worse to have been hit by the tsunami in Japan? Wouldn't it be worse to lose everything in the fires in Texas? Right now... in my exhaustion... I don't care. Just burn it down. Blow it away. Let me get my stuffed animal I've had since I was 3yrs old (I can put him a dryer for a few hours, he will be fine) and the two framed pictures I have of my parents. The rest can go. Every thing else I treasure, my 26 years worth of stuff. I will get rid of every stitch, every scrap to be rid of these damn demon bugs. I just don't care any more. And I feel like such a bad person knowing I have friends who are in pain, going through rough stuff, friends my boyfriend has not yet let us tell. My pain is not greater or worse than theirs...but I just don't have the energy to be sympathetic.

    I'm a bad tired person. And I just don't care any more.

  2. EndOfMyRope

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    Posted 8 years ago
    Thu Sep 8 2011 21:44:58
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    Valkyrie,

    You are not alone.. Ive been feeling the exact same way for weeks

    First, You are NOT a bad person..put that thought right out of ypur head, ok. Youre a good person who is veyond physically, emotionally, and mentally spent. Its ok to feel the way you do.. And you dont have to apologize for it. This is an awful, hellacious thing to go through...it sucks the life out of you..

    I just wanted to tell you youre not alone..and youre not a bad person.. try and hang in there..we're all here.. You can PM me too if you wanna talk, vent .scream .swear, whatever..

    Sending strength.your way

  3. BugsMustDie

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    Posted 8 years ago
    Thu Sep 8 2011 21:55:40
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    I've been there - the aloof partner - the people who think their petty problems are the end of the world - the exhaustion.

    When Hurricane Irene came through, we (carefully of course) went to a hotel. I prayed the wind would push over a tree in my neighbor's yard onto the power line connected to my house and the whole thing would burn. I was disappointed to come home to my house still standing and horrified I wasn't able to use the dryer for two days.

    Outside of a chronic illness or death, I can't think of too many things worse than having bed bugs. I don't wish them on my worst enemy.

    Try to be nice to yourself and do what you can to take care of yourself. You're not a bad person. You're human.

  4. Nobugsonme

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    Posted 8 years ago
    Thu Sep 8 2011 22:19:37
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    Valkyrie,
    You will get through this.

    Try not to worry. Yes, it may take more than one treatment, but that's typical and if your landlord hasn't heard that yet, I am sure he will in time.

    I urge you not to throw your stuff out. It is usually not necessary. And it often makes things worse by reintroducing bed bugs to your building (when neighbors inevitably reclaim the stuff).

    I started and run the site but am "not an expert."
  5. AshamedandScratching

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    Posted 8 years ago
    Thu Sep 8 2011 22:23:02
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    I've been and return to where you are emotionally. It's a devastating thing, hun. There is no shame in feeling your personal loss.

  6. EndOfMyRope

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    Posted 8 years ago
    Fri Sep 9 2011 4:46:06
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    You know, I sincerely believe that when you go through this hellacious process, you also go through a kind of grieving process..the grief of the stigma attached, loss of personal possessions, loss of we knew as a normal life, coming and going as we pleased without obsessing over these damned bugs and the painful, time consuming, COSTLY steps we go to in order to protect our friends, loved ones and co workers, only to worry we missed something.. We discover a level of exhaustion never known before and it affects every facet of our being.

    bed bugs rock you down to the core..no question about it..you feel ashamed, loss of all control, violated..your most sacred space of solitude is taken over..hard for that not to piss off even the calmest of folks. But, once the initial panic subsides, and it DOES subside, we must take back some degree of ourselves in order to feel right again. Its more important than ever that we take care of ourselves..physically, mentally and emotionally. It matters not what we choose to do to feel ok, even if its just briefly..reach out to a close friend, confide in a family member, take a walk in the woods and admire the best of what nature has to offer, draw, read a sappy romance novel, go for coffee.. Whatever makes you feel at peace, and normal again. We are facing a war, a war we CAN WIN, but we have to take care of our basic needs in order to have the strength to fight. For me, that solace has always been my horse. No matter how bad my world seems to be crumbling, I see his big brown eyes, hear his "hi momma!! I missed you!" nickers and all is right again. I love him up, he loves me back, and I can face the next step I felt was insurmountable only moments before.

    Valkrie, please, take the time to do something thats just for you.. I promise it helps and we're all here.. Youre not fighting alone, even if it seems so sometimes. Be well, my friend

  7. Valkyrie

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    Posted 8 years ago
    Fri Sep 9 2011 9:15:42
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    Thank you all SO SO SO much for your kind words and support.

    Last night was really hard. The boyfriend didn't realize how much work this was going to be and he had his own little breakdown last night, which I won't deny him but I did resent a bit since I've been doing most of this alone.

    I'm about 90% ready. All I have left to do is move a few things around and pull the carpet up along two walls. I'm still pretty frustrated as I was supposed to be off from work today but will have to come in and cover two separate shifts on about three hours sleep. ARGH! Ah well, such is life huh?

    I will be back when things calm down to comment on your replys individualy, I can not express how much strength and hope you all give me. Thank YOU!

    Love and No Bugs to you all!!

  8. djames1921

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    Posted 8 years ago
    Fri Sep 9 2011 9:31:22
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    Glad to hear your coming out of your funk. Keep fighting.

  9. Valkyrie

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    Posted 8 years ago
    Tue Sep 13 2011 12:50:53
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    Quick update!

    We were treated on friday and have had no bites or sightings of bugs since. Although only one room was treated I was very impressed by how thorough our PCO was. Typicaly this company likes to do a two week follow up but they don't get to our area often so it might be closer to a month. The PCO was not concerned about this and honestly neither am I. We are still being vigilant about cleaning, vacuuming, drying, bagging, etc. I do expect to encounter new bugs considering how these awful critters reproduce but I feel like we are pulling ahead.

    Everyday is still a challenge but it feels less like the end of the world : )

  10. OhNoes

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    Posted 8 years ago
    Tue Sep 13 2011 13:36:34
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    Valkyrie:

    I'm glad it went well. After my first treatment, I felt good, after my second I did too. I've hit rock bottom as they say. I was in such a good place emotionally after treatment 2 until I had blood smear on bed. Since then it's been downhill... but, during my lunch today, I decided to get out of my office and go for a walk. On my way back to the office, I passed through this tunnelish thing we have here, where there was water falling down all around me.

    I smiled, and then just burst out laughing... I realized... it's gonna be ok. I can only do what I am already doing. Fantasizing about picking up and leaving it all behind isn't going to help me get through this. What will is time, and persistence. So, I can be happy about the weight I've lost due to the stress of it, I can be happy that I know my significant other is there for me when horrendous things happen to me, and I can be happy that I have family that is there for me when bed bugs hit the fan.

    I may even eat at home tonight for the first time in over 2 weeks. (Maybe...).

    Solidarity

  11. Valkyrie

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    Posted 8 years ago
    Tue Sep 13 2011 21:13:20
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    OhNoes, I'm so glad for your "it's gonna be ok" moment! Thank you for sharing it. Those moments can't be forced and it's great when they happen. I'm holding on to this optimistic feeling, but I'm not gonna let my guard down. I suppose I am preparing for the worst and hoping for the best.

    I love "when bugs hit the fan", $hi# hitting the fan would actually be easier to clean up at this point : )

    Solidarity, that's exactly right. We are all in this together.

    Stay strong : )

  12. EndOfMyRope

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    Posted 8 years ago
    Wed Sep 21 2011 5:13:37
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    Ohno and Valkyrie
    Just checking in to see how youre both doing?? I hope youre continuing to take time for yourselves to do special activities to restore and maintain peace of mind ..even more so, I hope youre both bb free


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