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Would you date someone if they had bed bugs?
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Cantfindthem
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Joined: Apr '08
Posts: 42
Posted 3 months ago
Mon Aug 17 2009 7:10:56
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Well I was at a bar and met a really interesting and attractive woman. We hit it off, etc etc... however later in our conversation she told me that her apartment had bed bugs. I told her that I had had them a long while ago and that it was a horrible process dealing with and getting rid of them.
Anyway, I am torn. I have her number but I really don't know if I want to pursue this possible relationship because she has what (according to her words) seems to be a pretty healthy infestation. And she doesn't seem too keen on getting rid of them.
Would any of you date someone you knew had bed bugs? I feel badly because she seems like a great person, but how could I stay the night? How could I invite her over my place knowing she could be harboring a bed bug or two on her clothing? She wants to see me again for dinner and I need to make a decision soon.
I'd appreciate any input.
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deesgusted
newbite
Joined: Mar '09
Posts: 8
Posted 3 months ago
Mon Aug 17 2009 7:32:48
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well, i'm assuming you want an honest opinion so i'm gonna have to go with no way. i suppose it depends on how well you dealt with your own infestation or how easily you got rid of them. i know that for me this has been a really terrible experience that was an accidental result of a horrible california hotel stay...i can't imagine knowingly exposing myself to bed bugs again or purposely subjecting myself to all the physical, mental and financial tolls that comes with it. if you feel confident in your own abilities to decontaminate yourself when you're with her, i guess you could chance it and make yourself big points by helping her fight her own infestation but if she's not actively trying at this point, i'd say you might be in for quite a challenge.
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junior member
Joined: Oct '08
Posts: 88
Posted 3 months ago
Mon Aug 17 2009 7:35:55
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Seeing that you had a bad experience with the bugs and sound like you have a scar from it, I think it would create more anxiety for you then it would be worth, at least at this point.
I think the definition of "had" would depend on how I would answer if I would date them or not. "Had" past tense, absolutely. "Had" present tense and it trying to get rid of them and it appears it will happen eventually or at least have them at a very manageable level, yes. "Had" present tense and the population is pretty bad and it's due to her own lack of care, no.
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seriously phobic
newbite
Joined: Jul '09
Posts: 21
Posted 3 months ago
Mon Aug 17 2009 7:49:24
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Also, this may be overly judgmental, but if you really think she's she's not doing everything she can to get rid of them, that says something about her. Either she's poorly informed about how serious bedbugs are (when there's plenty of good information on the web), or she's somewhat irresponsible about potentially spreading them to others (and even the bar where you met her).
It's fair to honor the honor the trauma you experienced from bedbugs and protect yourself from further pain. But maybe send her to bedbugger so she can get going on a serious treatment...
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Cantfindthem
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Joined: Apr '08
Posts: 42
Posted 3 months ago
Mon Aug 17 2009 8:16:52
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Thanks for your opinions. In my heart, I really don't want to expose myself to the possibility of another bed bug infestation. The interesting thing is, had we not talked about them I would probably have already made plans for our date. But the more I think about it and the more I get opinions on the subject, the more I am leaning toward not 'knowingly' subjecting myself to another possible bed bug fiasco.
(Just thinking... should dating web sites have a box to check for bed bugs lol)
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I probably would tell her that I understand how tough and time consuming it is to deal with bedbugs, and that I would give her all the space she needs to do so, and to call me when she is on the other side of her infestation. Honestly, it gives you a chance to be a perfect gentleman and her a chance to show you she is responsible enough to deal with it, or not.
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stricken
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Joined: Jun '09
Posts: 75
Posted 3 months ago
Mon Aug 17 2009 8:40:28
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I would say it's her attitude toward the infestation more than the bugs themselves that should determine your decision. I agree with other posters, give her info & advice on getting rid of them, and space, but if you like her then maybe there are other ways to meet up that don't involve staying at one another's places before her ordeal is over. But if she doesn't sound like she thinks it's a big deal and isn't attacking the problem aggressively, then yes, it's a red flag!
If the entire reason is that you're anxious, maybe this is a good time to conquer that anxiety, provided she is truly working to get rid of them. I mean, her situation is temporary, and if you find true love with her, that'd be enduring. Also, during my bout with bb's I needed all the distraction I could get, even if just a movie and drinks, to remind myself that there was life outside of and beyond bb's.
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stricken
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Joined: Jun '09
Posts: 75
Posted 3 months ago
Mon Aug 17 2009 8:57:55
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Also, don't discount that she did tell you about them; you could have met someone who didn't tell you about them and gotten you reinfested. Her honesty says something about her too (unless, again, it's born of ignorance/cluelessness about how seriously she should be taking the problem).
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cilecto
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Joined: Aug '08
Posts: 514
Posted 3 months ago
Mon Aug 17 2009 14:40:54
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If I were dating (I'm not), I'd feel better about someone who has them and is taking it seriously, than someone negligent or oblivious. That said, I feel bad about how BBs threaten to put up "walls" between people. I fear that there will be people we interact with and people we don't, places we go and places we don't. :(
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DragonFlight
banned
Joined: Feb '09
Posts: 233
Posted 3 months ago
Mon Aug 17 2009 19:02:30
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All I can say to the original question is, hell no. Where are you going to a Bed Bug Bar ? :)
After having bed bugs as you mentioned, do you really want to re-expose yourself again to them, just because you may have that slight urge to get freaky with her. There are other women out there who don't have bed bugs. Just mention to her that as much as you would like to, you can't go though that torture again. -
Personally, I would value her honesty.... It takes courage to admit that one has an active infestation in an early dating situation...
At the same time, it sounds like your attitudes towards tolerating an infestation are not real compatible.
Earlier discussions have compared a bed bug infestation to telling someone that you have an STD...
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buggyinsocal
oldtimer
Joined: Jun '08
Posts: 1,130
Posted 3 months ago
Mon Aug 17 2009 22:13:54
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It would depend for me on what the person's attitude was. Like Doug, she would get points from me for her honesty when being honest could really cost her. After all, plenty of people do treat bed bugs like some awful thing that happens to bad, dirty, lower-class people. Bringing it up on a first date is pretty gutsy.
If the person basically mentioned bed bugs and framed it with language that told me that the person felt like the only responsible thing to do was to mention this to dates so that the date could take adequate precautions, then, actually, my estimation of the person and my assessment of the level of risk in the situation would go up and down respectively. After all, that kind of discussion would prove to me that the person was ethical and concerned about the impact of her actions on others. And, honestly, I would rather date someone who currently had bed bugs and was being treated or someone who'd had them in the past than someone who never had them since I'm at least as afraid of people who have them and don't realize it as I am of people who have them and act responsibly.
On the other hand, anyone who's like "Oh, yeah, so I have bed bugs, but it's not a big deal, and they don't really bother me," I would run, not walk, for the nearest exit. Not only because I never want to deal with a bed bug infestation again, but also because I don't want to date anyone who is that mellow about any problem. That goes beyond mellow into irresponsible, and we wouldn't do well dating anyway.
However, and this is a big caveat--it might be hard to tell from one date whether the person you're talking about is getting enough sleep and/or good enough at communication to have said on a first date something coherent about bed bugs.
I know what my anxiety level was like while I was being treated. I try not to think about what non sequiturs and wacky things I blurted out to god knows who in those early days.
You were there, and likely have a better sense than any of us where your date fell on the spectrum of her attitude.
But if it were me, I might give her another chance--either on the phone, or a second date, or through email--to explain her position more clearly to you if you don't have a good read on it after the one meeting.
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