How do you keep a sense of proportion(59 posts)
Do others have tips for trying to keep a sense of proportion while dealing with bb's. My husband thinks I am over-reacting. He really doesn't seem to understand my view that although our infestation may be light, unless we are really vigilant and take steps to ensure that it doesn't spread it might not stay that way. He feels that as we have never come across bb's before in our lives and living in this house for 20 years why am I so worried that we may get them again. My teenage daughter is getting a bit irritated too, especially as she doesn't have them in her room. I have learnt loads that I had no idea of from this site and one of the main things is you can never be complacent and that the problem with bb's has escalated recently. I do realise that I have got completely freaked and tearful over this and I am worried that we are going on holiday next week and a) we might pick up something else and b) what will we come back to. Any suggestions as to how you can stop bb's taking over and keep normal family life going while still tackling the problem.
It is a pain to have to worry so much--and a bigger pain that others seem to take it so lightly: I emailed my brother about the possiblility of sending BB's in Xmas gifts. His reply was as follows:
"We don't like the bb's. We have a dog. His name is spot. I fell down yesterday but I didn't get dirty. Hope all is well."
Now ... he owns three homes and is a contract house builder.
So I have no idea if he even understands--and lot's of people either just don't understand. EVEN I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND.
There is a lady I used to visit on a regular basis--but stopped about a month before I found out I had the BB's. She has a cat. Her idea and repeated respose to me about BB's is that she saw a pre WW2 movie when she was a kid: there was a scene where they woke up by alarm clock at 3am and took bars of pre dampened soap and tried to catch the "little brown dots" before they got off of the sheets. (Not an Idea I'm suggesting or disclaiming).
As I've said to you before: you've got the right attitude. It is the "out of sight out of mind" people that will be resposible for spreading the bugs and creating new and more treatment resistant bb's. Show Husband and daughter this if it will help:
I'd give you my phone # and tell them off myself (LOL) but seriously ... I broke my phone last night by using too much steam on it. Unplugged, of course first--so I didn't get yet another shock of my life!
FedUp, it sounds like you may be the only one reacting to bites, but this does not mean your daughter or husband aren't being bitten. It's hard to tell if others aren't bitten or if they just are not allergic to the bites.
What you describe is no small matter--many of us have had relationships sour over this issue. Unaffected partners, relatives, and roommates often not only don't get what we're going through, but often don't care. They sometimes even think we're losing it. (And frankly, many people who suffer with bed bugs for a while do kind of "lose it" at some point!)
Often, in time, they come around. But we need to educate them about what we're going through, and it's hard, especially when evidence is often just what's happening to your skin. Often they are reluctant to take necessary steps to help eradicate the problem.
Anyway, you're in the right place--many of us have gone through the same thing.
A sense of proportion is a really good way to describe it. Compared to Hurricane Katrina or cancer, bedbugs are not as bad. They don't literally wipe out cities and they will not kill you.
However, compared to other pests, bedbugs are much worse. They can cost thousands of dollars and many months to eradicate, they cause emotional trauma and social shame, and they require a lot of creative thinking and resourcefulness since there is no single established protocol for how to deal with them.
I'd suggest reading (and sharing) the FAQ called "Why am I being bitten and my housemate/partner/friend isn't?" Also, I wrote a comment about relationships that may be relevant to you:
That whole "Tales of Bedbug Woe" thread (Feb 12) and the following one (Feb 22) have some good comments about relationships in them.
Also, I believe Frank at The War on Bedbugs has written some posts about how quickly they can multiply and get out of control. You don't want to overly freak your husband out, but you DO want to instill a sense of scale - their numbers may be few now, but they can multiply rather quickly and can take many months to eradicate. The faster you act now, the less time you will ultimately spend. It's like any investment - more effort up front equals greater payoff down the road. Is he into finance? Maybe you could frame it like an investment...
Everybody's friend/husband/landlord/neighbor/kid thinks they are overreacting. I have a friend who may have bedbugs himself - he lives in New York and he's found 3 bites on his leg, twice in two weeks - and yet HE thinks I am overreacting to HIS situation! (Um, okay - there's only so much help I can provide to someone who doesn't want the help...as hard as that is for me!)
So anyway, take comfort that you're not alone in the "people think I'm overreacting" camp. However, if these people are stakeholders in the success of your bedbug fight (such as husband, daughter) then they truly need to be educated.
You could show them the CBC video (linked in the bedbugger sidebar) for some excellent education, plus an example of very normal, non-overreacting people dealing with bedbugs. A video is also a great way to communicate - it's much more credible than you being like "Listen to what I read on the internet!" (Many people still think "the internet" is just a place for crazies).
You might also explain why they freak you out so much - some people just aren't freaked out by them. They might not be scared of bugs, or they may be in denial, as many people are when the problem is not visible.
For my boyfriend, who has never been bitten/noticed a bite, it took a couple things for the concept to truly sink in. One, we saw a counselor together, who, after I described what I was going through, actually gave my condition a name - Acute Stress Disorder. Similar to PTSD, except that you are going through it RIGHT NOW, it's not yet in the past. This validated my paranoia - being paranoid is COMPLETELY NORMAL in situations like this. It's actually a survival tactic, a way that humans cope. Trying to control the situation is also totally normal, and it takes a LONG TIME to feel in control.
And the second thing that helped my boyfriend to understand, is when I asked him what he was scared of. Like, irrationally scared. Like, phobia-scared. Heights? Snakes? No, he said, fuzzy plants. That's right. Like Little Shop of Horrors. Like a plant, that is covered with fur, that could touch him. Yes, this sounds like a child's nightmare but for him, it's a genuine, irrational fear. (I'm sure this was inspired by some childhood horror movie, but the point is that he was embarrassed to admit it, because he knew it was silly). I said, "See, for me, having bugs crawling on my skin is a fear, just like fuzzy plants are for you. It seems like a horror movie, but it's real. It makes me cry, it makes me want to touch all my skin all the time to check that they're not there. It makes me lie awake, it makes me nauseous whenever I find a bite. I realize that the harm being done to me is actually minor - yeah, a bump, an itch - but the FEAR is quite real." And only then, finally, after him denying that the problem was real, and then accepting it but minimizing my feelings, and then helping out but not really owning the problem with me, he finally, finally seemed to "get it." It's irrational to others, but to you, it is just damn scary.
So unfortunately, it may take time for the problem to sink in. Try to think of "what will make them sit up and take notice." For your husband, maybe it's money. Say "This could cost us SO MUCH MORE down the road, like thousands of dollars in extermination, if we don't keep the problem contained. So help me with this mattress cover." For your daughter, maybe it's her reputation with her friends. Say "Your friends won't want to come over if your house is full of ziploc bags, and I won't let them come over until the problem is gone because we don't want to spread it to them. So help me by doing your laundry, and let's set a goal of two weeks from now until anyone else comes over."
This may be a goofy example (I don't have kids!) but I think the principle is sound - try to think of what would motivate them to help. I know that for my boyfriend, it was ME motivating him - hello, I'm your girlfriend and I'm suffering - and also the dawning realization that this could last FOREVER if we didn't put our heads together. Which I drilled into him, and it took like three months.
You can do this. We can help. (We are not unlike the Home Depot I guess!)
I freaked out as well, and when i moved and i still saw a few here and there i said to myself..
"They are bugs, mosquitos bite and make me itchy, ticks make me want to throw up when i look at them, bedbugs are kind of like ticks but they dont make me throw up, theyre also bugs. Spiders crawl on me when im asleep, sometimes they bite me. Theyre bugs, theyre all hard to get rid of, and its possible so stop and get some sleep."
It helped alot to keep remiding myself that its not a disease, its posisble to get rid of them, and im not gonna die, it will take time but its possible.
My husband thinks I'm over reacting too but he's not the one who had take everything apart, clean, wash, examine. He basically just carried down the beds and threw them out. Also, it was HIS daughter, who came to live with us that caused the problem so he is very defensive. I feel like I'm 2 people, one at home fighting the bugs, one on the outside where only our closest friends and family know. My husband dosen't want EVERYONE to know! Everything I clean or organize to put back where it was before the exterminator came makes me feel my life is getting back to normal, but finding one last week had me in tears. My teenage daughter had them in her room so she is very cautious but gets fed up with all the checking. My sanity is being saved by SOMA. It's a muscle relaxant, I AM NOT ADVOCATING THE USE OF DRUGS HERE. I had them for my back pain but they made me tired so I never took them. Now, after checking my bed etc... I take one and usually sleep a good 5-6 hours straight. Before then, I lay awake all night stressing and itching. The whole first month I was so exhausted, I had dark circles under my eyes, I lost 8 pounds. I still wear mostly the same 5 outfits because it's easier to check and I haven't put anything back in my closet yet! My backyard still has 12 large garbage bags full of shoes and clothes! Keeping things minimal feels like I have some control over the bas#838s!.
S .....You give such sound advice. Maybe Nobugs will put something like this on the Blog because people need to know this stuff. bbwarrior, Your husband sounds similiar to mine. Its was me, and still is me, who does all the work. The good thing is that you are in a single family home...There are so many problems surrounding bed bugs, unfortunately they are on the rise so we cannot sit back and breathe too much of a sigh of relief when they are gone from our living spaces. We must remain on high alert. Bed bugs are intolerable and an infestation is costly and extremely time consuming. No rational person can accept living with them...
BB i did almost the same.
I washed and dried almost all of my clothes except for 5 outfits. Also since i hadn't slept in 2 months i had to start taking my xanax, especially after i found one on my bed ugh. Drugs can be useful, and no i too am not advocating them, but when we are freaking ourselves out and cant sleep...i feel this is much more dangerous than actually being able to get some rest.
Bugalina, u2dan and all,
When I think of how I itched and tossed and turned before we found them, I chalked it up to stress over my stepdaughter's antics (nice word,putting it MILDLY) Thank goodness she has moved out. I never got much sleep the 2 months leading up to the discovery. And of course after. I look exhausted and my guilt ridden husband tries to get me to eat all the time! "You are skin and bones!" He is oblivious (always has been) so I should not be too surprised. He is always saying "well, they are gone!" and then getting angry when I give him the cold realities. His default line then is "OK, so let's just sell the house and move out!" This is obsurd, especially since this was my grandparents home which I worked and fought hard to buy. I'm not budging an inch! and then we find one or two. How can I sleep thinking I may wake up (paranoia here) COVERED IN BUGS!!! These little bas#*x8s have the potential to destroy relationships if we let them. Some days, who has the energy left to be nice? I bet a shrink would find this right up ther with death, divorce, job loss, etc.. as a life changing event.
Again, thank ALL OF YOU, for my sanity.
bbwarrior.....I have been through the "ex-wife , step-children" phase...so I understand the "conflict". Teke my advice or leave it. Don't count on anyone for any more help than they are capable of giving. Accept this. I learned a great lesson from my bed bugs. I can count on myself...and my husband., none of my friends stepped up to help me, and as a matter of fact they all criticized me for being "over the line" about bed bugs..Of course none of them have suffered through a bed bug infestation. My husband is limited, but he stuck thru it with me, we went through some tough bed bug times together, and we survived. Now, before anything comes out of my mouth I think about what I am trying to accomplish by saying it.....basically I am really trying to adopt the "if you don't have anything good to say, then don't say it"....because the bottom line is that it will not help your situation. You live in a single family detached home, that is a blessing , if there are any bed bug blessings...You have to provide as little harborage as possible..get yourself a good caulk gun...buy some shellac and seal up all your wooden floors.- or paint them...paint can always be removed when this epidemic passes...take your time but make your home as bed bug unfriendly as possible. If your step daughter comes to visit nicely insist that you must spray her shoes and that she leave her purse in a zip lock bag...go very pro active. Tell your husband that bed bugs are a very costly pest to get rid of...this should make him understand the necessity to get rid of them and stay rid of them....Empower yourself, make a plan to make your home as harborage free as possible...there are lots of bed bug products online that can help you...like DE and a hand bellows...and some sprays....I use DE proactively now, it really does kill bugs..inspect all of your electrical sockets..dust them..etc etc... When your husband says "sell the house" he is just venting..he knows this isn't a realistic approach....Just tell him that you expect him to help you get through this..because you need to count on him..and lean on him .......you'll be ok....it takes time...
Its such a man thing to just give up and/or give in. I know..i am one. "sell the house" soudns like that and no you won't do it. You sholdnt have to. Why? Becuase of bugs? Hell no, its your house and you will conquer the rascals!
I surprisingly had a lot of help from a friend and some family, but they wouldn't listen to what i needed to do in order to keep my belongings bedbug free. "theyre just bugs get over it"
One firend was crying (hes a little dramatic) becuase his life was so hard (basically took one day to look for a job at 2 places...pretty sad right?) Anyways..i completely lost it and said "do you even f-ing have a clue? I havent slept in 2 months.> TWO. MONTHS. I appreciate your help, i relaly do but please SHUT THE F UP UNTIL YOU HAVE SOMEHTING GOOD TO CRY OVER."
Anyways...yes try the DE after you get sprayed, by all means. I also want to agree with Bugalina that living in your detached home is very lucky (yay!) as you can basically do what you want, wheras in an apartment building you are stuck waiting for the landlord or and trying to move stuff around is impossible (boooo!)
I was getting very snippy with people around me becuase of how much sleep i lost. Even against my roommate becuase of what she was doing, acting like "oh whatever, its just another sunny day!"
What she was doing was moving her junk (no joke, in her bathroom and bedroom..crap piled to the ceiling...im not kidding). I gave her two options 1. move stuff into storage becuase its winter 2. move out and take it all with you with the intentions that i was going to stay.
Well she started moving junk, clutter, papers books you name it into the living room. Great that became infested too. The sprayers couldnt spray her room and even wrote a note syaing they couldnt move around in that room (i took pics!) She didn't move her junk into storage, and i couldnt believe that one person is humanly able to accumulate that much stuff.
So basically i wsa up all night pissed off and stressed out, i went to work everyday with a sagging face and baggy black eyes due to lack of sleep, i snipped at lots of people due to exhuastion and i got really bad acne on my forehead as well as gained weight! (no not bites haha)SO you can imagine how beautiful i was during the holidays!
Youre right..it really is a life changing event...it shouldn't have to be but it is. I told everyone that asked me questions that i would much rather have fleas or cockroaches than bedbugs any day (knock on wood).
If your husband doenst know how costly it is and the extent of cleaning etc that you have to go to..make him do it to. Show him estimates on what its going to cost. Oh and if your step daughter is rude...spray her with contact killer (oh my im so mean..im sorry! hehe)
You will get through it, believe me. Even if you have a little teeny bit of help, and you are doing the bulk of it, youll still get through it. Try not to freak out when you see one (next time is ee one i want to put it in a jar and see how long it takes for DE to do its trick).
Sorry for my rant post!
Bugalina, good advice on all fronts. I will get DE later today and use it as I've read here.
I have thought if my step daughter comes over I would check her for bites, etc...before letting her in but your idea is better. I am hanging in there but guess I'm not Superwoman. (I secretly always thought I was!) My husband is very aware of the $ involved, we have spent over $4,500 so far (new beds, steam cleaning, etc) but he does not complain (games) because it was his daughter who brought them in. We have been married for 18 years so this "blended family" problem is one of MANY we have overcome. I have 1 son, he has 2 daughters (I raised the oldest) and we have 1 daughter together. It's a little worse because this kid, his younger daughter, was raised in Germany by her mother and recently came here to seek her revenge :).
My husband moved a lot of things downstairs and was very careless with the beds he took down as well. He spread them of course. ("You want them out, right? Well, that's what I'm doing".) He still roams the house without checking himself because "they are just bugs". ARRRGGG!!!
And you have been reading my mind, I have thought of spraying her with contact spray! One of the nicer scenerios! Thanks for the wonderful laugh-till-I-cried laugh over that!!
I have stabbed the little bas*!#ds to death with a tweezer.
I have to go in the backyard and bring in a bag of clothes (now drenched) because I need something nice to wear on Sunday. Too bad I didn't label them!
bbwarrior...Its normal for him to stick up for his daughter...he can't help that. And its normal for you to get upset with him for being in denial...So someone has to take the higher road...let it be you. You are not superwoman, but you are a BBWARRIOR !! And I admire you for that....do what you can without harming yourself, mentally or physically. And try and forgive your husband for his weaknesses...I know..trust me its not easy !! I have similiar family dynamics..his kids, and our shared one...No girls, all boys...
If your stepdaughter wants to come and visit she has to do it by your rules ..if she really did bring bed bugs into your home then she has to be made aware of the expense and stress this has caused you. I see that you have a PCO, this is good... This is a terrible epidemic, and we here are all supportive of each other.
A lot has been written here and it's all so relevant, yet it is so irksome to not have those you care about seem to trust your judgement or your assessment and expericne of the situation.
FYI--As I recall Fedup mentioned she was going away on a holiday. We havn't heard from her and so I hope she just didn't literally get fedup.
I hope she has a place to log on and see all that many of us have done to try and help and support her to get it into her husband's thick head--I should really say thick denial.
It took my quitting a little job to get the elderly lady I used to work for--to finally start doing ALL of her laundry: (This is a little pt job not related to the better job I quit. in essence I have two jobs associated with her.
But I actually had to report the BB's I have--to the main boss at the second hand shop.
Since I had been visiting her frequently up until a few months ago, she is a prime candidate for BB's. Her building is across the street from mine and I've seen them coming out in those white zoot-suits-- goggles and respirators and all.
I told her that ... "yeah, so ... what does that have to do with me?"
So now the 2nd hand shop owner knows she possibly has some bb's in her home.
At least--I saw this lady's sister in the laudry today washing certain items--I know needed serious washing whether her place is bb infested or not, because, I used to be her home care attendant.
But she just called and wants to have breakfast with me tomorrow. Previously, I also had to tell her that her cat can be a target for bb's when she's not home.
She was ultimately pissed ...
Who knows what will happen at breakfast tomorrow. It worries me. I have anger towards her ... I fear she's going to tell me once again that I'm over-reacting.
It's human nature to just assume someone is overreacting until it hits them too! But with some people--this is very ingrained behavior. I'm that way myself 9to a point.)
I felt I had no choice but to do self-treatments and they are apparently working fairly well. This site and myself do not reccomed this, really I don't.
I know I ticked some folks off who really just wanted to help me. Everyone's situation IS different.
I have lot's of pending legal issues at my hotel.
I hope and I know all folks on this site want me to have nobugs. I hope, too--that my self treatment actions will continue to work.
Like all of us I'm doing the best i can with what I have to work with.
Even after the SFDPH came and inspected my place yesterday--I still feel that way:
Bugalina (I think) said it: the PCO doesn't have to sleep in your bed.
I really really have/had no choice).
But I would that I could--and now this thread is off topic and out of proprtion--it is hard!
But we are all in this together.
Thanks for the kind words Bugalina. Sometimes I feel anxiety rising up and now feel grateful for this site. It truly helps. I can get facts and have a plan ready for what tomorrow may bring. It is hard to maintain a sense of proportion though. I have a wedding in Mexico at the end of May and dread sleeping in the hotel. I will be staying with several female family members,(we all can't wait! Party!) and have really been looking forward to it. I plan on doing a thorough inspection and taking all precautions but it is so strange because I was a flight attendant for 6 years and used to LOVE hotels. After that I spent a few years as an "accomodation analyst", secretly spying on hotels all over the world. I never found bed bugs, I didn't worry too much about them. Neither did the management! I quit a few months ago because doing the post 9/11 airport routine was too much on a regular basis. To think, all those hotels and I never brought home bugs. Then I get them from a club with overstuffed couches! I can't imagine ever looking forward to a hotel again. This really does change your life.
bbwarrior....I used to love to travel. Last yr. my husband won a trip to London from his business...we didn't go...a few months ago he won another trip to a 4 star Spa out West....we didnt' go....For me its just not worth the anxiety. I was known by all of my friends for being the most adventurous, my bed bug infestation brought this to a screeching halt. My husband still travels because of his sons who live in Calif. . There are some pro-active things you can do: They are now selling HARD-CASED suitcases...Samsonite has them....they are hard shelled with NO outside seams. Recently one of our fellow bloggers recounted how they watched a bed bug burrow into the seam of their sneakers ...Cloth luggage , esp. dark colored, has lots of potential harborages- seams - so if you afford a hardcased peice please look into it. Also I puff some DE into the suitcase...just a lite coating...in and around...then I pack everything in the new plastic ziplocks that have the double zippers..Nothing goes into the suitcase that isn't encased in protective plastic. You must check the room upon entering..esp. the attached headboard..and of course all mattresses and behind picture frames...Never put your luggage on the bed..those days are over...and ALWAYS keep your luggage closed.....you can bring large clear plastic lawn and leaf bags and put your luggage into those at nite....NEVER put clothes into the drawers...and alway use the plastic bags to cover any hanging clothes.....These are just a few suggestions...it may seem extreme but remember...bed bugs are horrible and taking precautionary measures means you are preventing them from coming back with you...Also you can keep a spray bottle of any one of the Enzyme sprays, by your door, and upon your return you can spray down your shoes and your luggage...do not use alcohol to do this as it can stain the hard cased shell..deb
Bugalina...great suggestions, I'll do them all when I go to Mexico. Wow, think of all the hours lost to searching and checking, bizarre!
I could only find DE for pool filtration. Its not food grade. Is that ok or should I order from Dirt Works? I can't wait to use it, havn't seen any in 3 days but KNOW they are hiding out.
BBWarrior, I'd definitely make sure it's food grade as per the FAQ. Swimming pool DE is more dangerous. You don't have to buy from Dirtworks, but don't get non-ffod grade. (Dirtworks also has D-20 which is DE plus pyrethroids--I think similar to drione. You have to be more careful with this if you use it because it does have the pesticide added.)
bbwarrior...do NOT use the pool DE..order DE from the above source or doitymyownpestcontrol...but NOT pool grade..also order a hand puffer or bellows, some companies call it by different names..Order DE esp. produced for use on bed bugs...
Hi all, just joined up today and I find this site very reassuring. I live in NYC, so I already knew all about bedbugs when I got them (okay, I only found ONE). This was good in that I recognized the signs right away- the way it looked, the spots on my mattress, but all my knowledge was bad too, as I just about lost it emotionally.
There was a lot of crying and frantic phone calls and near-puking. I couldn't eat for a few days because I was just so physically and emotionally drained. I'll post a longer version of the story of my first night on a different thread, but fast forward to now (and I'm still sharing my apt. w/the buggers) and my perspective has definitely changed.
It took a lot of just talking myself down- that even though it may be disgusting in many ways, at least they don't spread disease. And that in the grand scheme of things, BBs are just a blip. A few weeks later, a small growth I had was diagnosed as a (hopefully benign) tumor, and that also helped to lessen my BB panic.
Which is not to say I am entirely calm about the BBs now, though. Like today, when I sat down at work and noticed my chest was itching. I looked down and saw the telltale welts (I get pretty big welts as I'm very allergenic to all bug bites). So I ran to the bathroom and took off my shirt to reveal a LIVE BB crawling down my bra. I tried not to scream and killed it (no way was I going to carry it back to my office in an effort to save him as evidence). Then I saw welts going down my chest and ending at one on my belly. As I've been bite-free for a few weeks now, I chalked it up to the fact that this morning I switched to a heavier coat as it's been getting cold again. And I haven't worn that particular coat for a few weeks, so there must have been an egg(s) somewhere in it, and that BB had hatched from it.
More reasons I think it was the coat: I took a shower this morning and would've noticed the bites had they been there already, the bites trailed down from the collar of my shirt like a bug had crawled down it, and I've been lax about laundering that particular coat as it's dry-clean only. Suffice it to say that the moment I got home from work tonight, I threw both my winter dry-clean only coats along w/several of my non-leather purse & bags I've been using and washed and dried them on high. I have no regard to clothing care these days, so even though everything's been shrinking and fading from all the high heat, at least I can feel a bit better about killing off any BBs/eggs on them.
That was a slight tangent, but I am happy that I acted pretty reasonably where just a month ago I would cried and left work in a panic. And yes, it did gross me out to put my coat back on (after closing my office door and inspecting every inch of it first for any kind of BB life) when I went out to lunch, but I made it through.
There are still nights where I lose some sleep worrying about it all, but I just talk myself down again, do some deep breathing, and think about how there are much bigger problems in this world than me having a few bugs (and welts) in my life. Like tumors! (Okay, for some reason I can joke about that, but I still CANNOT joke about the BBs. I don't know what that says about me, but BBs are just not something that's laughable to me. Yet?)
Hi Ella, welcome to the blog nobody wants to, but really needs to join. I am in SF and we are just in the past six months--in my particular area--experiencing a lot of bb' activity. So ... sure ... lots of people are out here loosing thier senses of proportion including me. I'm sorry this happened to you too, and your bb's likely did come in after the PCO sprayed the adjacent Apt. if not--then thank god he called you "By Mistake". maybe he was trying to find out if you knew already or not--I don't know. But landlords fear the bugs as much as we do. landlords who ring up bills--get fired! Whether its too much heat in the winter or too many tenants destroying property.
For myself ... I'm in a corner unit--with empy units (hotel rooms) both below and across. A likely source of how I got them so bad--they came form two or three directions. And ... we have one old guy three or four doors up--in hindsight--I can now see why he had been leaving his front door wide-opened all of the time and so all of a sudden. He's like 70 and not in great health, and when I asked he said it was too hot in his place. I now pretty much know it was becasue he had a bad case of BB's. They are very insidious and if left to go on for a long time--there is this pungent stale odor.
Well ... months later, (about 5 weeks ago) I found a rather large nest of them all along my futon--I freaked just as you did--just as almost everyone of us does. I threw up several times and have dropped weight. I rarely eat healthy anymore so I went out and got a case of ensure. Pause: I just had 2 vitamins and some milk. Yes we must breath and try to relax--but vigillence in following the faqs as best we can according to our particular situation is also in order. Best to not act--if you panic. From now on--treat your laundry like your protecting it from tiny germs. And the bb's do seem to favor clothing if you have a lot. I threw most of mine away--people here either do that or they store it. I had a choice: go homeless and store everything--or stay and declutter. I can't afford to do both. But what if ... I had just paniced and took everything and threw it in a (likely infested storage bin?)
You can see how some of us eventually change our whole lifestyes. I try my best to leave my clothing in double bags--everything even my bathrobe. I'm finding this more and more to be true, and--the less clutter the better. If you can affort to store some stuff good--just triple wrap it and make sure it's not got ANY bb's in it--before you store it. I'd ask for more suggestions before doing anything major--you seem level headed. It's OK to panic--but not act on it--I've leart the hard way.
I've been putting a little "BB powder into the bags. You'll figure this out.
And sure--they can walk on you during the daytime--it happened to me my too--it was my first sighting--and so, you are not alone. (I was in a restaurant.) But the more I find out about BB's the less I like it or them. Still I must continue to educate myself more on the insidiousness and the tenacity of how they can hide--in coats, in screws in the light swithes and behind the light switch plates etc... So sometimes maintaining a sense of proportion is great--sometimes not. Vigillence vs a sense of proportion.
Please stick around.
You'll see how some of us have wicked senses of humor but can be so gentle and kind to each other. So you are doing the right thing by finding out more about what this ugly bug can do, and in a way that--helps maintain a sense of proprtion, or control, and at the same time can make you want to freak out--or just get up and move!
But--finding out even more is like the quickest way to control--and then eventually get rid of them. I'm glad you learnt and then washed the dry clean coat. Compared to active tumors .. it's just an F'n coat right???
Last night I slept on a make-shift pillow of old scarfs (washed x2 and double wrapped in plastic for my pillow. We have to make adujustmets as we can--and it will eventually all work out.
The more dilligent you are about it the better off you will be. That's why there are so many posts I this particular room--it's hard to maintain a sense of proportion, and sometimes--it is even wrong to: We live in a "seeing is beleiving" culture, and bed bugs can pile up slow but sure--and then we're living out of plastic bags and having
Landlords and PCO's finally doing thier jobs--but had they done it originally is the question. Someone else had said recently: your PCO doesn't have to sleep in your bed at night. (talking on the cell phone--jerk.)
I've found that the better I describe my living situation, re clutter and ask q's--the better off I am.
Steam might eventually help you out: I think it was Frank, a member, who gave a real good talk about how to use the steam machines. He cared enough. One other blog member talks about prevention and is very learned, another jokes about his/her bb's often and so do I. So--having a sense of humor, as you eventually will about bb's to an even higher degree than you do now, will help you to maintain better. But it's not really funny, the whole bb cover-up.
Welcome again. (I'm skipping the spell check) this is a come as you are blog.
your drive against bedbugs, at a dark time in your life is amazing, and is an insperation to me in some of my darkest hours.
I know we have not talked much here on this forum, but I read almost everything you write.
your an insperation to all.
I've just returned from holiday and there is so much to read on this (obviously very familiar) topic, thanks for all the specific advice and general information, it really helps to know I am not necessarily the one getting things out of proportion. I think like several people said, the sheer amount of work involved is so tiring and often very expensive and often is borne by one person (in my case me) more than the others. I don't think my husband and daughter really want to dismiss my fears as such but they don't want me to be upset and glossing over things is the easiest way of doing it. I got a few 'oh mum' with eyes lifted heavenward when I started to examine the bed of our overnight sleeper train compartment and ditto crawl round the bed of the hotel room and insist she didn't leave things on the floor. It was good to have a break but I still found I couldn't stop thinking about the problem an awful lot of the time - but I generally just kept it to myself (at least there is this site to let off steam to). I find myself walking along looking at people thinking I wonder if they've had them. I have never heard of anyone I know (apart from my travelling daughter) experiencing problems but I think that says a lot more about most people generally prefering not to mention it.
Uh Oh. My husband thought he was doing me a favor and used the pool DE. What are the risks with that as opposed to the food grade? Help! I have not been online in a day or I would have seen your warnings. Damn. I have not seen any since last week but I'm sure they will appear now that I've jinxed myself by saying I have not seen any.
Wecome Ella, as you can see, there is so much to learn and the best advice is right here. Take heart, you are not alone in your paranoid misery! And as Willow said, you have got to put things into perspective and accept that you will have to get rid of a lot of your things. I put a lot of clothes and shoes outside for 2 months and at least half are ruined. I wish all a good night's sleep!
Thanks all for the welcome. Willow- I would've been much better off those first few days if I went your Ensure route. I'm really hoping not to throw away any more clothing (I already disposed of a few bags of it), but if it comes to that, I'll do it. At this point, all my clothing (except for my bathrobe- which after reading your comment, I might just bag and not use after all) is bagged up after a heavy laundering. I will probably have to throw away more shoes, though, since I can't throw them into a hot dryer, and I haven't heard of any good (and safe) residuals to use on shoes.
Another thing that's helped calm me down in the wake of all this panic and paranoia is going to the gym regularly. It might not be for everyone, but those exercise endorphins really can make you feel better! Granted, the laundry builds up twice as fast w/all those workout clothes, and I have to do the baggies-with-a-bag deal when I take my gym stuff to work, but it's worth it!
We have used a residual called D-Force on our bags and shoes. It's not a very long residual, but I believe it lasts at least a week. It definitely smells bad, and you don't want to touch it with your skin when it's wet, but once it's dry it's safe.
Our PCO used D-Force on our mattress, our couch and in our walls' cracks and crevices. (He used a longer-lasting residual in other places).
But D-Force contains deltamethrin, and it can be purchased for like $12 a can on doyourownpestcontrol.com. We've gone through two cans of it now, and it's been a good tool.
We still spray our shoes with Kleen Free on a daily basis, but we've done their soles with D-Force and we've done our bags with D-Force too. We also sprayed our car interiors with it.
Anyway, just wanted to put that out there. I can't vouch for its effectiveness since I've never literally seen it kill a bedbug, but then again I've only seen 3 bedbugs in four months so I have to hope it's doing its job.
Oh, and Ella, I know what you mean about exercise. It definitely helps. And yes, when I go to yoga I put ziplocs inside ziplocs. I used to be nervous that people would think I was weird, but I've realized that to the casual observer, I simply look "very organized."
S-- how long does D Force take to dry?
Ella--exercise is good. Those at the laundry and/or decluttering stage can take heart that that kind of work is exercise. So is jumping up from bed hourly at night, flicking off the covers, and running for flashlights and clear tape.
Just kidding. Of course, exercise is great for stress relief. And you HAVE to sleep. No sleep, can't do anything including work or exercise...
I'd say D-Force dries within an hour at MOST. When the PCO sprayed our mattress with it, he said to wait at least an hour. When we sprayed our car seats, we sat in them half an hour later and they didn't feel wet (granted, it was just our coats touching them, not our skin).
The smell lasts for a few days, and it's not pleasant, but it's not too terrible either.
My best advice about D-Force is to get rubber gloves - if it touches your hand it burns and makes your skin super dry, really fast. (When we received the can, the long, thin nozzle was detached, this was said to be for shipping safety, but to attach it you had to press it down on the can's top until it clicked, and some dripped out the sides onto my hand).
yep, I'm using D-Force too.
I agree with everything you say incuding the smell.
I hate the smell of D-Force or suspend (the same thing realy).
(just a reminder to others...)
yep, please use gloves, and a respirator can't hurt too.
at least have the windows open to get some freash air as this stuff smells bad and can't be good for you.
while it drys in under an hour, it still works for about a week to ten days.
this is what you should be treating your beds, and furniture, and your walls too.
I'll be using cans of D-Force for the next 4 weeks and then stop to see if I'm as bug free as I think I might be.
good luck to all
I think you have to be super careful spraying anything in your car, since its an enclosed space. S--what did you do in terms of airing it out? Any advice? Thanks again, i know it will help others.
In terms of the car, we honestly didn't do much to air it out. One time we drove to lunch, sprayed it while parked, and then went to eat. When we came back we just drove it home. We didn't leave the windows down or anything. It only smells strongly for like the first day, and we were only in it for short periods of time during those days.
But we would spray like, everywhere possible - all along every seam of the seats, under the seats, around the edges of the floor mats and under the floor mats, inside the seatbelt buckles, in the center console, along the edges of the doors, under the headrests. We really thought they might be in our car - I saw something that looked like eggs in there once, before I knew what they were. And I would often find bites in the evenings after driving home in the dark. Ugh, I cringe just thinking about it. But we started spraying once a week with D-Force, and it's been a month now and I think the car is safe again.
We've also gotten in the habit of spraying our bed every Saturday morning with D-Force, just as another precaution. We spray around the rims of the encasings, all the way around following the seam. Then we just don't hang out in the bedroom. I don't know if this is good for the fabric, though it hasn't seemed to affect it in any way. I also don't know if it's doing anything, but hey. It's one more way to feel in control I guess.
Thanks S, for all the info. I was wondering if fumes were an issue. But you sound fine.
*Just a warning to others, follow pesticide labels carefully and to the letter.*
Keeping a Sense of Proportion: It's obvious I don't have to say anything about the dreadful events that took place this morning...but I would take bedbugs over having that happen to me or to anyone in my family, anyday....I hope all of you out there are safe and sound and uneffected directly by what happened today.
This site is a source of light, a guiding light that has been so great to us.
And if we remember, we are the humans...and those tiny terrorists are just pests...we can keep it in proportion.
S: WHAT HAPPENED WITH YOUR BITE TEST? I'm on pins and needles.
Ella: Ask Nobugs who the 3 local PCO's in NYC are that I wanted to recommend, I left the information on a PM.
Yeah S... give us the "gory" details. I hope it didn't hurt of freak you out too much and I pray you achieve your goal of figuring out the skin problems. Sharing it here frankly with us will help you.
(I'm itching more than I had and a few times Iâ€™ve done it too ladies: I've just felt so incredibly itchy, or like all of a sudden I've got "5-10 pins and needles" on me and then taken everything off and look at my tush and all. Sprayed stuff I KNEW MIGHN'Y even be there .... And for three days now??? I have purposefully gotten off the atarax sleeping pill anti ulticaritic so that I could see more fully what my skin reactions might be without them. So far like 20% more uncomfortable or sensitive not "quite like a sunburn tenderness but without the heat of a sunburn" can any one relate to calling it that? and a sudden irritation that a pant leg is bothering me around the ankle ... (I stopped wearing socks for a while.)
Come on S ...
I've just read thru this entire thread again and I think you had mentioned a couple of days ago that your boyfriend was going to take one of the tests too?
Wow ... this thread is two week old â€¦ Way back you were giving Fedup such great relationship adviceâ€”and links !! Reading I was more able to see how youâ€™d been battling bed bug lyfe-style for at least six months by now, and; I was more able to see your situation. (it's a little tough when some of us first come on here with an active infestation to pay attention to anything but the bare necessities of tackling the bb problem first:
SO I HOPE IT IS GOOD NEWS:
AND WMSB â€¦ wasnâ€™t it you that had a biopsy?
Probably some other thread where I read it.
Yeah, Willow. It was I who had a biopsy. Last Monday. No results yet.... and at the same tie, NO evidence of bugs other than that one blood mark recently. It's very perplexing. Will keep you posted.
I was reading this thread and it's so amazing that some people really react to having bbs and others are just like "oh, it's nothing." I've posted many times on the bb blog and I just wanted to give you guys an update.
In short, my situation was that my boyfriend is in a shelter and I was really thinking that he is infested because i saw it on his clothes, etc. For personal reasons, he still has to be registered with the shelter, but he agreed to move in with me. He agreed to bag all of his clothes and have me wash them and then keep them here at my house. He sleeps over at my house and if he needs to go to the shelter to see his social worker, he agreed that I could spray him and he needs to change his clothes when he comes back, etc.
We have vhs tapes and books and he has agreed to help me de-clutter and store his things really tightly sealed for 18 months. He's agreed with my "rules". Although he still thinks he doesn't have them and he still thinks I'm crazy being on the internet all the time, at least he came around as far as us taking every precaution to not spread the bugs or make them worse.
S- you say that you spray your mattresses every Sat. morning with D-Force. I was thinking after the pco came to really wrap the mattresses good in plastic. I bought some from the moving and storage place and these plastics are really sturdy. There is an opening on one side but I plan to duct tape it like a madwoman. Anyway, do you think that d-force would ruin the plastic, like make it less sturdy or something?
I am still paranoid and depressed. I took my kids to the bronx zoo yesterday for cinco de mayo and they had a really good time. I thought bringing them to the zoo would make me feel better, like getting out of the house and away from it all. I saw people laughing and buying stuffed animals and it actually made me feel worse. I was thinking, Was I the only one in the whole zoo who's infested? My son wanted me to buy him a tiger stuffed animal and I couldn't do it. i had to tell him that I had not enough money. I felt really bad. He was good yesterday. But, he got over it. I think I got over it too. I may have to cut down on buying him some toys, but he will have to take no as an answer.
I think you are doing really well to make yourself take your kids out and keep thing normal for them. It is really hard and I too have stood somewhere and thought out of all these people am I the only one who has this problem. I think something like this can really put pressure on your family relationships especially when other members think you are getting obsessed/overreacting so anything you make yourself do to keep a 'normal' family life for your kids is really good. Getting bb's is noones 'fault' and kids especially I think find it hard to accept all the disruption. So if you can keep that to a minimum while still keeping firm about the things that matter at the moment (like no new stuffed animals for the time being)I'm sure they will accept it without you having to feel bad. Glad too that your boyfriend has come on board because whether he agrees whether he has them or not, by following your 'rules' it will take the ressure of you and lessen the worry a bit.
Wow, Jammin, I know exactly what you mean. Maybe we all do.
There have been countless times when I look at people laughing and think "You have NO IDEA WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH." I just want to shake them. I also hear people complaining, and I think "Your problems are SERIOUSLY NOT THAT BAD." Then I feel like a terrible person.
This is normal, and I think it will eventually pass. I don't feel jealous of every random stranger anymore, though I do often wonder if any of them have ever had bedbugs. I also feel jealous when I think about people going to sleep in their beds, feeling relaxed and comfortable. I try not to think about other people going to sleep. I try, for the time, to focus on myself, and the other bedbuggers. I think about all the brave people fighting their own bedbug wars, and about the survivors. I hope and pray that I'm over this - I think I might be, but I'm scared to say. I just think about the future a lot, the future where my life is back to normal. I know it will happen and it gives me strength.
My mattress and box spring are encased in covers from National Allergy. They are fabric on the outside and something like a vinyl or plastic on the inside. I don't believe the D-Force made them weaker, and I don't believe it would make plastic weaker too. Make sure yours are airtight - try taping it up and then try sitting on it, and see if it bubbles up or if it rapidly deflates. If it deflates rapidly, there is a big hole and you need to tape it up. Also, try to get all the air out before putting down that last piece of tape.
Glad you made it to the zoo. Even if it's harder for you to be in public, it's better for your kids.
Also, really relieved to hear that your boyfriend is complying with your rules. Someday he'll understand, believe me. I'm glad to hear he's moving in - he's obviously sticking with you for the long run.
Bugalina said at some point that she wanted to "entertain" again and have her friends come over like in the old days (a year and a half ago!). I am about to have a big birthday celebration, and I so much wanted to do it at my apartment. Ever since I moved into this apartment (2.5 years ago) I'd been hoping to have a large party in it. But now that my treatment is over for the time being, and my life is somewhat back to normal, the last thing in the world I want is for 50 + people to sit on my couches or go into my bathroom or lean against my kitchen counter. What a horrible feeling? I am afraid of my own friends! What if they give me bed bugs again? Or if I give THEM bed bugs? It's really a sad thought and I'm obviously healthy and aware that life is good (that all I have to worry about is where to have a celebration)...but still...it changes things. I will always wonder.
a party in a public room would be nice ... isn't that the way it was done in the 1890's and the 1920's?
rent a theme hall and don't let bed bugs ruin your fun totally!
I hate bed bugs it takes an awful lot of toilet paper to kill just one, or to check it's pooh to see if it is really pooh, or to wipe down excess Vasaline Mz. Crow ... please help us get a better pesticed and I'll stop wasting toliet paper.
Toilet paper and bed bugs--there is no comparison and now we've gone and lost all perspective!
BTW I'm sleeping out in the wood tonight becase I opend up all my boxes and just in case ... I want the lone bed bug to find the DE not me!
talk to you all tomorrow if I'm still around ...
the woods and the streets are Nearly as bad as the bed bugs
Wantmyskinback.....its so sad...but true...this is the effect that bed bugs have on a life. Prior to bed bugs I loved having people into my home....my son was off in college and it was going to be my time to thrive..then...my life changed drastically...that was one year ago...I am so exhausted from the trauma ...We still have our lifes' possessions in storage...we are still paying 500.oo per month in storage fees...Now my son is coming home frpm college and i am anxiety ridden because he is going to want his friends over....kids who go to colleges that have had dorm bed bug infestations...like BU and PennState..and BC...I will cringe when these kids come over...I was never, ever like this...I was known as the mother who welcomed everyone....This is what bed bugs do to a person....
I so totally empathise with you Bugalina (and wmsb) my daughter returns from five months away next week. I hate the thought of standing at the airport arrival gate ready to wrench her rucksack off of her and throw it into a giant sealed plastic bag before putting it in the car, or wanting her to change her clothes into ones I've brought before leaving the airport or asking her about any bed bug experiences before I ask how she is or taking her luggage straight into the garden to sort before we look at all the things she's brought back (not to mention minutely inspecting each item before it's allowed into the house) I don't want to be that sort of mother or that sort of person. Then she will want to catch up with all her friends and have them all over to sleep which she has done in the past and all these kids are at university. I hate what this is making me feel and become. I HATE it and it makes me angry and depressed.
Fedup: can you explain to your daughter what you went through and CAN she please change her clothes at the airport and put them in bags and then put her luggage in the garden and inspecting them? Does she know what you've been through? I know you don't want to be that sort of person, but, maybe you have to be. You think she will not understand?
For Bugalina and fedup: If you don't want to have any of your childrens' friends over, see if your children would tell them that your apartment/house or wherever you live in under construction and they can't come over because there's no room for them because of the renovations and it's not in their best interest as far as safety is.
Just a suggestion.
fedup...I am in the same boat as you...I hate what this has done to my psyche...I don't think I could survive another infestation..nyjammin...I could never do that...I live in a tight neighborhood...kids know if my house in under construction or not...My son lives in a young kids world...he does not relate to my fears......I just have to pretreat my home and keep very clean and do what is in my ability...but the easiness that used to prevail in my home is gone...that's just something I have to live with..
Nyjammin my daughter does know what we have been going through in that we have told her about the money, energy and time that has been spent and she knows how upset I have been over it all, although she hasn't experienced this at first hand)and has been affected by the fact that the most likely scenario is that we got them from her after she went backpacking last summer staying in an infested hostel (if I only knew then what I know now!!!!!!) I am going to prepare her for her return by sending her a suggested outline of what I think should happen. I know she came across bb's again several months ago in Australia. I am going to impress on her that I want to do EVERYTHING I can to avoid this in the future and I think as long as I am sensitive to the fact that she will be tired etc she will be receptive. It was more I was moaning and angry about the fact that I HAVE to be aware of all this. I'm not sure I will every travel again or greet someone returning without having the possibility of bb's foremost in my mind.
This question is for S. in response to Dforce that she posted here. I hope she answers. I sprayed Dforce in my car because I think I may have seen some black spots on the underneath side of my son's booster seat. Anyway, I sprayed the car every week for like 3 weeks in a row. We all rode in the car without a problem. But, one day we took a long trip to upstate NY, my son got a rash on the back of his legs. I had sprayed the car the day before so I knew the car was not wet with Dforce. I believe his rash was due to the Dforce because all the other times we rode in the car we were wearing pants and my son that day was wearing shorts so his bare skin on the backs of his legs were exposed to the car service. I still spray the car, but I take a towel in a ziplock and put it on his booster seat and that seems to have worked. I take the towel and put it in a ziplock and bring it back to the house when we are done with it. My son's arms have touched the car, but so far, only the backs of his legs seem to be affected.
My question to S. is when you sprayed the beds every week, did you also spray the sheets on top of the beds? Or did you just spray the encasements and then put on fresh sheets? In other words, should I spray my bedsheets down? I'm not going to do that with my son's sheets because of his supposedly allergic reaction to Dforce.
This is a question to Buggedinbrooklyn, did you spray dforce along the whole wall on all the walls?
Jammin, I've never used D Force, but I can answer your question about the sheets. Do not spray D Force on the sheets. And I am pretty sure that S. only sprayed D Force on the encasement, and only along the edges, the piping seams along the edge of the sleeping surface.
Just wash the sheets, every day if you have to.
I got a new breakthrough today. I ran into one of the people who live in my building who also works for the management office. We were talking about certain things like me moving and I asked her "Can I tell you something you will not repeat?" I told her I had bbs and how my b/f is not cooperating and neither is the super, etc. Well, would you know before she moved into this building SHE and her mom had bbs? She said she had them for only 2 weeks and then she moved. I felt so relieved! I told her I was embarassed living in bins and if management comes in they'll think I'm nuts! She said "no" and she knows I'm one of the cleanest persons in the building, it's not my fault, etc. I am just so happy to have met someone "in person" who had them and knows what I'm going through. She says she knows of other people who have them as well. I told her that I look at people and think "do they have them?" and everything I told her, my fears, etc. she was ok with. Now I truly know that other people have them. I knew in my mind but my heart did not truly believe it. Now I do.
That is great--but i suggest ... don't spill all the beans to her, I mean, she works there right? And your overwhelmed too!
wtw: what do you mean by spilling all the beans? She does work for management but she also lives in my building and does not get any preference. In fact she says that since she works for management she gets less preference. Isn't that something? And she only works for them, she is not management.
I just mean I hope you don't say too much to her that you may regret later on. She is beholding to managment--so that's her bread and butter. But I'm real glad you like got to meet someone else you can talk to, in person, and--feel comfortable with.
Who knows she may help you organize stuff with other tenants cooperasting more?
Nah. I don't think I said anything I'd regret. I just told her the truth. And she says that management likes me because I'm not noisy and keep my house clean and my kids have respect, etc. She says basically I'm a good tenant. When she found out I may be moving she was disappointed because I'm a good tenant. I'm glad I was honest. Because what if management needs to come into my apartment? If they see the bins they will know it's because of bbs and not because this is my lifestyle. WTW: thanks for caring.
Sorry for you guys to be my therapist but I have no one to talk to. I noticed several bites on my son's chest. I know these are bb bites. When I showed my b/f, he said no they are not and ended it with "I can't wait until you see a psychiatrist" Like I'm nuts. I bolted back with "Either you need glasses or are in denial" He checked my son again and said it was nothing. He can't seem to understand that not everyone gets bites the same way. My bites are more noticeable and my son's are lightly red colored. I'm so pissed right now. And on top of it all my son is sick. Dunno if it's the flu or something else. Took him to the Dr. and she did some blood work and now waiting for results in about a week. My b/f just does not get it!! He thinks I'm totally gone mentally. I know my son is being bitten, but my b/f has no clue. I'm trying to see a therapist. I went to 3 places. One place was not in my district. Another one was not accepting new clients and I'm still waiting for the 3rd to call me back. I can't believe it takes so long to see a therapist.
And btw, my b/f likes it better when I don't "dwell on the situation" (his words). He likes it when I seem happy and such and don't talk about it. He just wants to go on with his merry life like nothing is wrong. He doesn't wanna talk about it or anything. One of these days I'm afraid the sh.t is gonna hit the fan, and then I'll be all by myself or literally committed to a mental hospital, really.
Thanks for listening guys.
you are all by yourself already jammin. since you began blogging on this site you have repeatedly asked us our opinions about your b/f. we have been delicate and nice and since it seemed you wanted to be with him we suggested ways to accomplish that without him infesting your whole apt. after treatment by a pco.
at this point i feel you are crying wolf. whatever we say to you you cant let go of him so why ask. i think the only sensible thing to do is cut him loose - at least until this situation of bb's is cleared up.
thats it. i dont know what you want to hear but since you keep asking what to do with him, this is how i feel.
Perhaps N.S. is right. Perhaps you are alone already. We all have people in our lives that drag us down to a certain point and at certain times--but when it becomes heavy-duty stuff like: "My boyfriend thinks I'm Crazy" and he is actually, continually (as you represent him to be)"dragging you down in his own little world of everything is all right--youâ€™re both alone.
I'm sorry jammin--your welfare and the welfare of your children should and needs to come first: if this man is dragging you down to the point you say he is--then I say drop him (you've conveniently let him move in however 2-3 weeks ago) so donâ€™t know how you'll swing that: if he's there by the thirtieth consecutive day ( or is it 28 days? donno) he could claim a stake to stay for up to 4-8 months, based on the laws in NY as best as I can recall.
However, jammin--is he really dragging you down that much? Are you being truthful with us here?
You have said in the past that we would get mad and that it helped you: to me that, the boyfriend experience your having is too codependent for my books. I'm lonely, alone, afraid--all the things a 49 y.o. gay guy in Sf could be. I have too much respect for myself for a relationship like that--and if I had kids: he would never have been allowed to move in--that
Me--my response to your boyfriend situation.
This is a blog about getting rid of bed bugs.
Sometimes this initials separation form loved ones for a long period of time, say 3-6 months or until a few months have passed and you have seen nor felt not one bed bug.
I'm not in line to be insulting you I hope--and I hope you realize I'm not insulting you.
Basically, from your descriptions I find your man a total hindrance to your health and the health of your child. Do what ever you will do--but frankly Scarlett: If he doesnâ€™t give, a good damn, and you don't really give a good damn about his interfering--they at the very least you both need counseling: a lot of control makes for a lot of unhealthy relationships.
We poor are very greatly affected by it: as in feeling a need to take in ... or "fall in love" with a "bread provider" or sometimes the "the sucker who pretends to be the bread winner". In addition, that's a two way street--I'm not saying your right wrong nor your boy friend is right or wrong. It is what it is--that's how I see it
Your boyfriend come in from a shelter you swear is infested--he doesn't care and has not changed, according to your last checked in with us about him
jammin--why do I feel you might now write us a glowing letter about how much he is now helping you?
But what I really wonder is will you write the letter BEDORE ... or AFTER you tell him what some of the "Kooks" on the internet are saying.
I hope it's BEFORE jammin--and I hope it is thruthful--not what you thik WE want to hear. If it's AFTER you wtell him what we said--then in my books, from your descriptions ... you are totally only prolonging the push pull that winds up nowhere--your kids health and yours and his--they are all three at stake:
You all need Phil Donnehugh
jammin: fight those dragons that say inb your head your "not good enouogh to be on your own person and to be doing functional things."
Your last post tells us you are nearly a model tenant: so be that on the inside too!
The last three lines belwo jammin, are how you started your post three above:
I'm asking; do you want negative reinforcments for him from us? Or do you want to move on and stand up and make your own decisions and hear and deal with the likely truth--at least this is how you have presented it to us:
Sorry for you guys to be my therapist but I have no one to talk to. I noticed several bites on my son's chest. I know these are bb bites
I know this forum is about fighting bbs. Sorry to digress and be so emotional right now. My emotions are all over the place right now. And btw, I thought this post was called "how do you keep a sense of proportion?" A lot of people were writing maybe on this post or another, not sure, anyways about their relationships w/their husbands or b/f's and the struggles they are having. One of the members here (sorry, forgot the name) had her husband leave her over this mess and he's an airline pilot. And this is a mess. Having bbs is as stressful as moving or getting married or divorced, etc. It sure is up there on an emotional scale.
I will not keep writing about my b/f anymore. I got good advice as far as how to talk to him and such from you wonderful guys here. And, I'm not angry at him or you guys, I'm angry at the damn situation. I really was not asking advice on keeping him or getting rid of him, etc. I was just venting, that is all. Talking about what bbs can do to people and their relationships. But, I will not write about those things anymore.
BTW, good news. My son did have a rash and it was not bb bites. He's been ill and the rash was probably caused by his illness. The rash is gone now. Anyway, when I wrote my last post I was a mother who was deperate and trying to protect her son. I was all frantic and then I came on and wrote this post.
Will not do it anymore.
Regards to everyone here.
YOU ARE RIGHT ON ALL COUNTS AND SINCE AlL THAT IS TRUE--TWO OF US STEPPED FORTH AND GAVE OUR SQUARE AND FAIR OPINIONS. Everyone, is allowed to speak aoubt relationships and how they are effected by bed bugs, how we grow, feel defeated--make up break up--get grossed out over bb pooh and whatever.
Please do not twist my saught after advice into some sort of a censorship issue put BACK UPON YOU: SURE YOU ARE RIGHT: WE/you Can talk about him ... NOW, you just don't want to. I'm OK with it either way--let's just call it what it is: you didn't like the answer(S0 you were trying to get many of us to give you--the advice you may or may not need.
So again, then ... as far as I'm concerned, you don't want to talk about your relationship issues as they pertain to bed bugs now any more. I accept and respect that.
I do hope your decision in the matter is the best for all concerned
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