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Getting emotional

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nyjammin

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Posted 6 years ago
Wed Apr 25 2007 14:36:51
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Hello. I need to vent. Yesterday, my PCO came. I think this was the fourth treatment, but by a new PCO. Anyways, I was really losing it - uncontrollable crying. I cry at least 3x a day uncontrollably. I feel so hopeless and defenseless. I really thought I was having a breakdown. I feel like I can't protect my children. On top of all the other things going on in my life - and there are alot, this bb thing happens. I'm throwing money away on a PCO which probably will not work. I am not rich. I'm on a limited income, but have some money saved for disasters, such as this one.
My question to everyone is: How the heck do you not lose it? How can you go on with your lives living like this - out of bags and spraying and everything? This is so unbelievable. This may seem cruel, but I wish everyone was infested so as something can be done!! I truly am sorry for saying that, but that's how I feel. Nothing seems to be working. This is totally ridiculous. This epidemic should be on the news along with smoking and our kids getting educated. I feel no one is helping and no one gives a dam. I feel like I have to live like this forever and I really can't do that.
Anyone with a response is always welcome. I hope I didn't offend anyone. I needed to be honest and anyone whose stressed out and wants to vent, go ahead.
This blog is great. We deal with the do's and don'ts of treatment. Let's deal with our emotions as well. I feel no one understands. Every time I go shopping and see someone buying new sheets for their beds I get so jealous.
I wish everyone well.
coopbugged

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Posted 6 years ago
Wed Apr 25 2007 15:01:40
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I understand!

But sometimes, between weeping bouts, I know this will eventually be over and I will win. You will too. The $s thing just makes it so much more stressful.

Hang in there! It won't last forever!
u2dan

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Posted 6 years ago
Wed Apr 25 2007 15:37:07
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Oh no Jammin..i feel your pain. Some of us really DO lose it and surprisingly some don't. I was goign through thiis during the xmas holidays...i dont even remember the holidays and it was probably the worst 3 months I've really had (i knwo things can be way worse, but they weren't).
My infestation most likely started in the fall, but wasnt discovered until a week before the holidays. I was crying, screaming, constantly doing something so i didnt have to go to sleep (meaning sawing my couch in half, or constantly spraying my bed with sprays). Our PCO came 5 times, and my roommates room was so disgustingly cluttered that they couldnt even walk in there to spray it again, and that was where they were comign from. The roomie decided they wanted to move and i said YES PLEASE DO, btu then i decided to as well, but i felt stuck for the whole month of Jan.
I seriously flipped out everyday.. EVERYDAY. Slept maybe two hours at night and mostly just sat there with tears in my eyes. I had my windows open int he dead of witner hopign it woudl be cold enough to kill them, but instead i just froze in my sleep.

I think even though it was the roommates room which was harboring them, if id idnt have them living with me i woudl have jumped off my balcony (hey imc razy anyways sorry!). I literlaly threw almost everything away, and ont he other hand roomie wouldnt. Ive never seen such a mess ins omeones bedroom in my life. newbugs just kept appearing. I would wake up at 4 AM and find one random stray on my lethal smelling mattress.
I also think i gained at least 15 lbs from the stress, that is how bad i was..thank god for xanax and vodka chasers though (oops dont mix drugs with alcohol please).

im telling you..i am pretty sure we all have been and are in the same boat, which is why we are all here on this awesome forum sharing our stories, advice and basically just trying to keep oruselves sane throughout this whole thing.

You will make it through, it will take time and sometimes a lot of time. It has taken me 4 months to get rid of them and become semi normal again and the last bug i saw was a month ago (i even brought them into my new home ugh). I know what it feels liek to feel assured htat they are gone and then all of a sudden see one crawling in some random place, and my Rambo in me comes back out and i massacre the little poopers.

Keep comign abck here to the forums to talk and vent, it helps so much.
wantmyskinback

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Posted 6 years ago
Wed Apr 25 2007 15:38:46
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U2Dan, are you any relation to LiutenantDan?
nyjammin

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Posted 6 years ago
Wed Apr 25 2007 15:39:48
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Thanks coop for being positive. Sorry for feeling so negative. I wish I could have a positive outlook like you.
BBsBlow

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Posted 6 years ago
Wed Apr 25 2007 16:09:36
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nyjammin, I too have lost it. I've been going through this for almost a year, and now I'm worried that it has followed me to my new place. I prayed every night for months that this would not happen, but BBs don't always listen! I remember I lost it when the first PCO came to my place. She lifted my mattress up, and there were the BBs. I would lose it several more times when despite seeing the bugs, drs. misdiagnosed me, and I would spend hundreds on prescriptions that mostly did not work. This on top of COBRA since I was unemployed the whole time. I continue to be on the verge of losing it every single day of my life. I just got off the phone with my father, who has begged me to seek therapy. It's so frustrating saying that therapy won't necessarily help me-getting rid of these (and all!) bugs will!

But at the end of the day, you just have to hang in there. Some days will be better than others. It's perfectly natural to just want to cry. I know deep inside that I will NOT let BUGS defeat me because life's worth living at the end of the day.
nightshirt

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Posted 6 years ago
Wed Apr 25 2007 16:10:47
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FIRST YOU REALLY NEED TO TRUST THAT YOUR PCO IS DOING THE RIGHT THING. THE FIRST ONE I HIRED $300 FOR 3 TREATMENTS (sorry caps). I had done my research and when he came with only a can of tempro i knew the other two chemicals were missing and i still used him out of desperation and the price was right. i hoped against hope that it would be ok anyway. it wasnt. so then i had to go through 4 more treatments for $400, along with all the other expenses. YES it is maddening, depressing and frustrating - just when you think allis good, it isnt. but i will tell you all this - THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO SHORTCUT to their eradication. NONE. so sit back and know this is the process you will have to go through. dont feel alone. anyone who has eradicated them has gone through this. we are here and dont fret although its hard not too. bb were my whole life for 6 months. just starting to recover and i have not been infested since end of jan. sorry gotta run am at work.
S

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Posted 6 years ago
Wed Apr 25 2007 16:48:36
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Hey jammin, we all know how you feel. I have had that same, truly terrible thought - I wish everyone had this so they'd know what I was dealing with.

My emotions sometimes got the better of me at really convenient times. Like while I was sitting at my desk at work. I'd feel an itch on my neck, touch it, feel a bump, check the small mirror I now keep at my desk, and my face would get all red and I'd try so hard to hold back the tears. This was especially convenient when my boss was just stopping by to ask me how my project was going. It wasn't going well.

There were many terrible moments when I burst into tears, but I think the worst one may have been when the PCO came over (for like the 6th time) and he brought with him a new trainee. A female trainee (rare!) She was really nice, and when the two of them walked in, she said "Oh, you have a beautiful apartment."

Forget it. I was a mess. I told her thank you, I'm sorry for crying, it's just that we haven't had anyone over in three months, and I used to love having people over, and everyone always told us how beautiful our apartment was, and it IS beautiful, and I used to really love it here, and thank you so much. I like, could not stop crying the entire time they were there. Just thinking about my gorgeous apartment that's become a place I avoid, and a place where I can't relax.

I believe that part of the answer is tactical - taking active steps to rid yourself of the bugs - and the other part is emotional. Even though we were doing everything we could to rid ourselves of the bugs, I didn't understand my emotions and I hit rock bottom. Sometime around mid February. I truly felt like this would last forever, and I was depressed. I called a counselor. She helped me, more than anyone else. I'd even venture to say, that she helped me more than the PCO did (and he was pretty critical too, obviously!)

I learned that we bedbuggers suffer from something called Complex PTSD. It's really new. There aren't a lot of comparable situations like this (where you are being stressed, repeatedly, over and over, in your most vulnerable place, and you have no outlets, and feel scared to tell people, etc) There's just nothing else like this. Bullying is the only thing I could find that comes close.

I encourage you to read the post, lower down on these forums, called Paranoia versus Hypervigilance. It talks about Complex PTSD and you may be able to relate to some of these symptoms.

I also encourage you, if you can afford even one session, to see a counselor. Someone who will validate your situation and give you some hope.

In the meantime, keep sharing with us, and please feel no shame in venting. Let it all out if it makes you feel like someone's listening.
lieutenantdan

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Posted 6 years ago
Wed Apr 25 2007 17:08:39
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My only advice is that I believe that the only real option is to go into a battle mode. Did you ever think of how some of those troops felt during a war such as World War 2 for example. My father was a Pearl Harbor survivor. When I watch those war documentaries
I can only imagine. How did those guys get through years of that. Bugs! My Father told me a story once of how he was in a place
in the jungles in the Pacific and even with netting bugs were all over the place. They were in his mouth, ears, eyes, and up in a place where the sun don't shine. I asked how he dealt with it? His reply was simply " You got used to it." I wish he was still around so I could ask him about this bb stuff. My Mom said the other day that he would of had a good laughover this. Man, those people were tough! Iwas just a little young, luckily, and missed the Vietnam War. Well, this is my WAR and the enemy is BED BUGS!!!
coopbugged

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Posted 6 years ago
Wed Apr 25 2007 17:21:28
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I'm the spouse of the poster....and asked permission to add a word of encouragement or two. Of course we are in the midst of what everyone on this board has been dealing with. We said goodbye to (literally) thousands of books, although the really special one's have been stored and will return in a year or so. Our bedroom is now a totally empty room....it's like a new apt. Our son has joined in the spirit of "trying to find the silver lining" by talking about all his new clubhouses (the empty closets). Yes, this sucks (the blood from our veins and dollars from our wallets) but I've always believed in dealing with situations. A favorite quote from one of my novels is, "Time spent wringing your hands is time that could have been spent rolling up your sleeves." Easy to say, not so much to live.

My spouse has been awesome; time off from work to bag everything we own as well as coordinating the counter-attack. I get home and jump in. We have spent our time alternately getting the job done, and freaking out. But, as most of the posters have said, "this too will end". So, keep the faith and take care of business. The idea of having a session or two counseling is sound advice. Having a non-judgmental party validate the feelings of helplessness and frustration is a great idea.

My biggest sense of loss is for our poor son, who has had to recognize the need to get rid of some of his favorite toys, books, and toys. He has also been great.

I get through all this by looking forward to taking our beautiful apt. to the next level when we are convinced we are free of bb and can bring in new stuff without fear.

Keep the faith--
nyjammin

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Posted 6 years ago
Wed Apr 25 2007 20:31:39
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It's amazing how kids can get through things sometimes better than us. I was so worried about how my kids might feel having everything bagged up. They don't even think about it or ask about it. My main concern is them.
Everyone who wrote in this section has given me some hope. Hope that I thought was totally gone. I was thinking about getting counseling. But, my thought was "What if this person thinks I'm bringing these critters into his/her office?" Will the counselor still see me or totally look at me with disgrace. How would this counselor judge me? I know they are not supposed to, but it's like when AIDS first started. No one would go near anyone with AIDS for fear of getting them. Counselors are human too. I would make an appointment, go for a session, and say "Counselor, I'm at my wits end. I have lost all hope. Why? Because I have bb." Of course the counselor would finish the session. I would get a phone call saying not to come back because the counselor overbooked or something.
I'm watching American Idol gives back. It's on now. Channel 5 New York City time. They're showing kids in Africa whose parents died and they fend for themselves and Hurrican Katrina victims who are still living in trailer homes given by FEMA that promotes violence, etc. Am I spoiled? Do I have a right to feel like this given so many other people have it worse than me? I don't know. And then I see the hosts and think they probably have it 50x better than me. I have mixed feelings here, everyone.
willow-the-wisp

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Posted 6 years ago
Wed Apr 25 2007 22:12:35
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nyjammin: Suggestion read Holland's article on the blog from yesterday if you did not. She may make you not feel they have it 50x more. I relate we all relate and even she relates. We have to continuously numb ourselves yet still be diligent!
The way I told my shrink was like this
Hey , look, you know me ... I found out all I could about this thing I'm about to tell you of myself: I am very sure I have not on bed bug on me now--it cost me (x amount of $ ) to come in today rather than just call: I have bed bugs. (And then in my case I added) I think I may have even gotten them here possible--but I'm not accusing anyone of anything!)
that's pretty much how I did it--but the reality is :2 folks in my building maybe three see the same Psychiatrist--and 1/2 of the clients are homeless and they too have "BEEN-BED-BUGGED" In fact my Doctor's odds are high, as well ... I donâ€™t think even THEY totally understand it!
Read Hollandâ€™s article fried.
wantmyskinback

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Posted 6 years ago
Wed Apr 25 2007 22:41:59
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Jammin, the ups and downs... if you didn't feel them, you'd be a robot. You're human (that's why the bb's love you...but that's why we do too!!!). Please don't cry.... it is only bugs... and I know they are gross and they are a nuisance but you will win this...YOU WILL, not so fast, but YOU WILL... and it's not cancer, it's not loss of a limb, it's not katrina....I don't want to reduce this...and I'm sorry if it seems belittling. I don't mean to be at all... I really don't. All I know is I spent SOOO MUCH MONEY and I still don't know if they're gone, and I never even saw a bug !!!

Jammin.... just keep vacuuming. It sounds too easy right? But I think that is a very key element to the fight..... vacuum and spray.... one in each hand....
u2dan

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Posted 6 years ago
Wed Apr 25 2007 22:49:48
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ugh i know what you mean how your old home feels like a new appartment. I had to get ride of literally...every.thing. i owned. I had one small bag of clothes i wore for a month.
It was so depressing and i was extremely depressed. My apartment..you woulld walk in and be smacked int he face by the brigh blue harbor and the boston islands in the back ground..home for 5 years and all of a sudden it was empty again...it felt horrible to be there. So...f-ed up if you ask me.
ella

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Posted 6 years ago
Thu Apr 26 2007 0:30:37
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nyj,
my emotions on the BB front have been a rollercoaster since the beginning. and even now, i still cycle between calm & collected to frustrated & hopeless. at first, i let myself be totally unreasonable- weeping, not eating, not sleeping. it was good to just let it all out, and finish feeling exhausted, but also thinking, "okay, this is it. suck it up and take care of this!"

then i tried to think about how, in the grand scheme of things, having BBs is NOT really that bad. when my doctor found a tumor in my arm (which i just got removed last week; am waiting to hear about the lab tests), i said to myself, "well see, BBs are not cancer!" and BBs are also NOT being homeless (like so many here in nyc), or getting raped & tortured in your own apt (i live right by where that columbia student was attacked), or losing a loved one (a friend of a friend has lost a mother, sister, & brother- 2 in the last year- all to brain cancer, and his only surviving relative, another brother, has already been diagnosed).

it's kind of what you were bringing up about seeing that footage during the american idol special. i actually saw bits of it while i was on the phone w/a friend complaining once again about the BBs, and i tried to see the "big picture" again, and it made me feel somewhat better. i've also recently signed up to start volunteering (although- and i know this may sound bad- i'm avoiding anything to do with the homeless as i know they are common BB carriers; not that it's their fault, they don't have the resources like we do) and i think this will also help me keep perspective. when you're interacting w/HIV-positive kids or hospital patients with long-term conditions like spinal injuries, it helps keep me in "big picture" mode.

now, all this being said, i find that the "big picture" outlook only works for me if i also allow myself to flip out every now and then about the BBs. because let's face it, i may not be starving or homeless, but i am STILL allowed to be emotional about life w/BBs. they are disgusting, resilent little buggers, and nyc has become an amazing little petri dish for them to flourish in. i am highly allergic to lots of things, so i react very badly to any bites i get (i develop a huge welt within minutes), and my skin is sensitive, so even without scratching them, i end up with scars from many of the bites. i allow myself to be frustrated w/the whole thing- my landlord, the ineffective PCO, my neighbors, the city, the bugs themselves.

then i reel it in, and bring myself back to reality, where i am just one person trying to do what i can to make my life more comfortable. i've mentioned this on another thread, but within the last day, i've actually come to the realization that as long as i live here in nyc (or any other large city, for that matter), and as long as the majority of people aren't educated on the BB problem, i will probably ALWAYS have BBs in increments. i can get rid of them in my own apt, sure, but we're so packed in this city like sardines that i'll probably always be living in a building that has them somewhere inside.

sorry if this sounds depressing and hopeless, but to me it's just the opposite! i've realized that i can minimize the presence of BBs in my life, but that even going a few months without bites doesn't mean they won't come back via your neighbor's visiting friend or a great chair they found on the street and brought into their apt. in the end, i really feel like every other person will have them, and maybe THEN it'll become a priority. but for now, i try my best to go on living a semi-normal life while educating all my friends on the BB epidemic. i know everyone here will remind you, but you can't let the BBs rule your life. on another thread i was reading earlier, someone said they were thinking about how BBs used to be such a common thing- and somehow those people got on w/their lives, right?

i'm going to try and end my rambling here, but this is just a summary of how i've dealt w/the BBs emotionally- freak out (you can't keep it bottled up, or you'll probably end up w/a homer simpson-like goiter on your neck), calm down & be proactive (clean, throw stuff away, tell my friends to check out their apts), think of bigger problems in the world (especially ones where you can fill out this sentence- "i'd much rather have BBs than ___), go and live life and enjoy the happy bits as much as you can (now that the weather is starting to improve, we can be away from our apts and out in central park!).

p.s. i love that your kid(s) are handling it so well. children can be so insanely adaptable it makes me jealous! we adults are so set in our ways that when anything comes along to upset it, we can't help but freak out.
Nobugsonme

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Posted 6 years ago
Thu Apr 26 2007 2:39:08
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NYJammin,

I get you too. We all do.
I was close to losing it many times. Some people do end up losing it as others have said.

Others, perhaps even more tragically, learn to live with it (because some Bedbuggers have limited treatment options, live in under- or mis-treated homes, etc.).
One Bedbugger said it gave her more empathy with the kids and adults all over the world who have bed bugs all the time, forever. And much worse conditions to boot.

I tried feeling it was okay to have bed bugs because so many people do live in much worse conditions. But it didn't work. I live here. My friends and family are not rich, but we try to have clean clothes and a sense of style (even on a budget). We invite people over, we date, we're busy with work and creative stuff.

To go from that to spending all your time dealing with bed bugs is a problem. And to go from feeling healthy to sleeping four hours a night and being itchy and having marks on your skin is a big change. I slept four hours a night for six months and my work, my health, everything suffered.

To have people tell me I was "just under stress" or "had dry skin" because we couldn't easily find the bugs, added insult to injury. Even those closest to me did not get it. That hurt very much, because I felt they thought I was "acting crazy."

But some of us Bedbuggers neither go mad or give in. In going through all the bed bug trauma, I started feeling really strong. I realized the conditions I was living under were bad and I was doing what I could. The coolest thing I learned about most of the Bedbuggers online were the lengths to which they were going not to spread bed bugs. The same acts that those not in the know saw as crazy (Carrying stuff in ziplocs! Not inviting people over! Showering and changing to go anywhere!) were things people were doing altruistically, to save others the trouble of bed bugs. And not just friends and relations, but everyone. They could have said, "screw it," and I have seen the odd person say that (eg one woman was going to sell her apartment and screw the people who bought it, if she could get away with it). That was a small, small minority. Most people are very good-hearted.

That really made me feel good--not to get all hippy counterculture or anything, but it's nice to meet nice, strong, creative people.

It doesn't mean the dark moments don't come, but there's something to balance them. If you have a belief system that sustains you--whatever it is, it can help (that did for me too).

You can lose it from time to time, as we all did or do, but you are strong too. You are protecting your kids. You're doing great.
willow-the-wisp

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Posted 6 years ago
Thu Apr 26 2007 5:10:25
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test
wantmyskinback

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Posted 6 years ago
Thu Apr 26 2007 9:38:21
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Thanks for your comments to NYJammin, NBOM. It's always comforting to read your words.
coopbugged

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Posted 6 years ago
Thu Apr 26 2007 10:03:03
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Hi, coopbugged here (me and not my husband, who posted above). I wish I could say that our son was dealing with this as well as my husband implied, but we have yet to even get to his room much (we've been focused on getting everything out of our bedroom first; there's no evidence that his room is infested). He (like every other 6 year old I know) wants to hold on to everything, every book, every drawing, every stuffed animal.

We've been talking a lot about the virtues of letting things go, that you can look at something that is or was once meaningful to you and either throw it away or store it for 18 months and know that the memory of what it meant to you will remain in your brain and you really don't have to have it present anymore. While he is away at school I am throwing away a lot of his stuff, but I am telling him that we are just putting it in storage, hoping that will make it easier for him. But to a little kid, 18 months is an eternity.

But in the end I think this will be good for all of us. Learning to let go of things is really important. Living a less cluttered life is a good thing.

At the very least, it gives new meaning to the phrase spring cleaning
willow-the-wisp

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Posted 6 years ago
Thu Apr 26 2007 10:52:14
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Hi I wrote to Miss Trainer the Opera Singer, a few days ago, as soon as I got her name. Even though she was not the Opera Singer I thought you guys meant I wrote her anyway. So â€¦ most definitely â€¦ I will let you all know if she replies in any favorable way whatsoever immediately: SO â€¦ THAT'S BEEN TAKEN CARE OF AND VERY COMPLETELY--TOTALLY COVERED GUYS!
coopbugged

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Posted 6 years ago
Thu Apr 26 2007 11:04:45
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Willow, I have no idea what you're talking about... Opera Singer?!
willow-the-wisp

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Posted 6 years ago
Thu Apr 26 2007 11:39:52
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There are a few threads referring to taking political action so I posted this in the three that seemed the most appropriate. They are looking for celebrities to maybe join in some way to effect positive changes in the way we live!
So sorry if you were mislead. The title of the thread "getting emotional," and a post stated something about posters: but they had meant posting info on the blog not the posters for the subways and possible rally. (I scrolled down real quick ... saw the word posters, so ... Sorrry, OoooPS!
nyjammin

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Posted 6 years ago
Thu Apr 26 2007 13:46:10
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Thanks everyone. Have my ups and downs. Please let us know about Ms. Trainer, the soprano. I'm going to do laundry, again. I'm trying to live my life the best I can. I believe that if I control the bugs, have extermination come like once a month to spray the beds and my apt., that might keep them at bay. I may have them, but at least to a minimum. Thinking about that makes me feel better. I take it day by day.

One funny thing I have to mention, if we go on vacation at least we don't have to worry about bringing ourselves bed bugs, we already have them!
willow-the-wisp

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Posted 6 years ago
Thu Apr 26 2007 14:01:25
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be sure to arive home with all sorts of sprays and potions! they will be hungry! You can kill a lot of them--wear "rubber suits" if you can
Nobugsonme

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Posted 6 years ago
Thu Apr 26 2007 23:47:59
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nyjammin,

the PCO's spraying has a lot more chance of being successful if you do it after 10-14 days rather than once a month.

This is because the eggs hatch in 10-14 days and are ready to bite and start growing. So most PCOs in the know treat for bed bugs after 10 days or 2 weeks maximum. (More old fashioned ones aren't clued in on this, but lots of us insist on it. Sean will back this up--and thebedbugresource.com--he's a professional PCO.)

Though it might seem like I am suggesting twice as many treatments, and twice the cost, in fact--if its done right and treated aggressively--the bugs will die with treatments at 10-14 day intervals. At one month intervals, you're giving them much more chance to grow and bite.

You should not need many more treatments. If you do, then they're probably coming from an attached apartment.

WMSB: thanks
nyjammin

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Posted 6 years ago
Fri Apr 27 2007 15:05:46
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NBOM. I have a huge problem. I have a boyfriend who lives in the shelter. I KNOW he's infested. He ignores me when I tell him. He says they exterminate 2x a month. But, I see blood spots on his clothes. When I tell him, he says it's just dirt. I don't know if he brought it to me or me to him, but he has them and is in real denial. Here's my problem. We have been together for a long time. He's helped me through a lot of sh.t, with my ex-husband, etc. We have a child together. I have no one. No friends or family or anything. He's the only thing I have. If I tell him to go away, then I will truly have NO ONE. What should I do? If I tell him to go away and the bugs still come back then, I sent him away for nothing.

We both made a decision to be together after a lot of separations. He told me that the shelter was going to kick him out. Fine. He could of moved in with me (I would have taken the necessary precautions, like bagging all his clothes and taking in none of his furniture, etc.). But now he says the process is being delayed. He might get an apartment paid for through the city for being homeless. Now that apartment may get infested and he will be going back and forth from my place to his. What should I do.

coopbugged has a husband and a child and no furniture and they are still battling bbs. If I get rid of this man, then I have no one and it's no guarantee that the bbs will go away.

Any suggestions?
nightshirt

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Posted 6 years ago
Fri Apr 27 2007 15:35:32
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i will respond later. i have some thoughts but need to finish up some work.
coopbugged

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Posted 6 years ago
Fri Apr 27 2007 15:47:17
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If I were you, I think I would sacrifice the boyfriend. Whether he lives in a shelter on in apartment supplied by the city, since he is in denial, I don't think you will ever be able to get rid of the bed bugs if you continue to have him in your apartment. Without him, you have a good chance.

You've found your way to this forum, and you're taking all the steps that you can to regain control of your life... so you must be a strong and responsible person, stronger and more self-reliant than you may realize. I know this man is the father of your child, but if I were you, I would not have him in my home anymore. You could still see him (and have him see your child) outside of your home (or his, if he gets one) but the risks of having him in your home seem to far outweigh the benefits.

Hopefully you will find new confidence and self-esteem in beating your BB problem that will spill over into other areas of your life (eg. finding new relationships).

Do you live in NYC? If so I would be happy to meet you for coffee if you want to vent...
nyjammin

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Posted 6 years ago
Fri Apr 27 2007 15:55:18
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I do live in NYC (Bronx). I would be grateful to meet with you, coopbugged. Bugaboo, your comments are never an intrusion, if they were, I would have not blogged for help. Even if what you say upsets me and it's the truth, I have to deal with it. Why get upset at you over the facts. I'll more likely be upset over the situation. I am in tears now and have to go downstairs to pick my son off the school bus. Be back in a little bit.

I truly have NO ONE. This man came to the hospital when I had pnemounia and no one else would. He took care of my child who as Autism without batting an eye. Bus is here - gotta go.
nyjammin

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Posted 6 years ago
Fri Apr 27 2007 16:25:20
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Also, I asked him to stay away a couple of weeks ago and he actually did understand. We both wanted to see each other and then we saw each other and he started sleeping over again. I believe he would understand until he is ready to move in for good. How do I deal with this by myself? It's hard. And this is no sure-proof way to get rid of them. How do I know if my next-door neighbors have them. I live in an apt. building on the second floor. Thanks.
coopbugged

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Posted 6 years ago
Fri Apr 27 2007 16:33:29
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What a coincidence, I had pneumonia last month (though was not hospitalized). So we've both suffered from bed bugs and pneumonia and we both live in NYC.

My exterminator is coming Tuesday afternoon so I will need to be out of the apartment during treatment. Perhaps we could meet then?

Your man sounds like he has many good qualities... it's weird that he's been so supportive through other hard situations but refuses to accept the realities of this situation. Anyway, be strong!!
nightshirt

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Posted 6 years ago
Fri Apr 27 2007 16:43:29
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if you can see smoochies on his clothes, (that is a pretty large infestation), whether you see him in or out of the house (or let your children or child see him outside the house) they can transfer from clothing and your child can bring them into your home again. so it would NOT be in your best interset to associate with im until he gets real and you both get rid of them and really know you are rid of them. this ususally takes months and months and even after your last bite and sighting you will not feel secure for many more months. have a telephone relationship with him until a later date. believe me we all know that the bb's can strain even the best relationships. but you cannot, for the sake of love, jeopardize your children and home and sanity, knowingly. all the best. keep up the good fight. we are here for you.
nyjammin

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Posted 6 years ago
Fri Apr 27 2007 17:22:45
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coopbugged: let me get back to you about getting together on Tuesday. Thanks much.
nyjammin

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Posted 6 years ago
Mon Apr 30 2007 20:43:56
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nightshirt: thanks for the info. I am so scared that this person is in such denial that he's spreading bbs to his other friends. He thinks I'm over-reacting. He keeps saying everything will be ok. I had another talk with him and when I said that he's really infested, he said "ok, i'll walk out right now and go somewhere else." What the f..k! He really thinks I'm over-reacting. He says he looked around his place and sees nothing. I told him about a couple of dots on his arm were probably bites and he said no, that he was just playing with the cat. I'm not an idiot, but this guy cannot seem to grasp the fact that he has them.

Why can't he just say, "you know what, I'm infested and I'll do anything for us to be rid of these." Why can't he join me in on the fight? He has no idea as to how serious this is and when I try to tell him, he just does not get it!! He thinks a couple of treatments with the PCO will get rid of them.

I keep asking him when is he going to leave the shelter and he said 2-3 weeks. Should I wait until then and have him move in with me and then I can have control over the matter or should I chuck him now?

I used to be strong and do everything by myself. Now, I'm really scared. I've been through a lot of s..t in my life that is still going on and now this. This has broken me down. I don't get rid of him because I can't go it alone anymore. I used to love to be by myself in my home and now I'm scared to be here alone.

I apologize for ranting and raving.

Also, I went to the basement to throw away my garbage and there was this georgous headboard that was there. The part that goes against the wall looked like it was bb infested. This means that other people here are infested. I'm afraid the whole building will eventually become infested. This really s..ks.
coopbugged

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Posted 6 years ago
Mon Apr 30 2007 22:01:16
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Would you consider taking that gorgeous but infested headboard into your home? Even if you thought you could treat it? No? Well a headboard is a lot easier to treat than a boyfriend
nyjammin

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Posted 6 years ago
Mon Apr 30 2007 22:10:30
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Thanks coop! You are a true word of wisdom. I appreciate it.

What if I was married to this guy and he was seeing some friends that had bbs and I told him and still didn't listen? Would I have to divorce him? Throw him out? What about him seeing his son? Should I stop that because of bbs?

I'm sorry I'm a pain. I just need to be sure. You guys are my therapy. I know....the bill's in the mail. I'll write you a check, ha, ha.
willow-the-wisp

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Posted 6 years ago
Tue May 1 2007 0:32:03
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There is a lady down the hall from me. She had three unsavory looking guys (bed bug wise that is to say) visiting from the shelters. When she took her foam pillow and brought it down the hall to outside my door and was ranting and shaking all the â€œdust" out of it (2 1/2 months ago) I reported her to management even though management and I HIGHLY disagree. This tenant got some sort of a warning ... went into the psych ward ... they "did" her apartment ... and she now has a terrible attitude toward me.
Why? I saw her bringing in a bed bug infested headboard and tried to talk reason to her. I literally would have sprayed it with r alcohol, for her as much as for me (3 doors down) but she cut me off, said she never causes trouble, and she has no recollection of shaking her pillow out at the end of the hall--basically she is saying why would I make up such a terrible lie.
Her "boyfriends" Guess, are not allowed in anymore.
In a way I hate to see that--she got reprimanded rather than educated. But I also have to protect myself and the other neighbors to some degree--which, is--also protecting myself down the line as far as less bed bugs.

Iâ€™m sorry itâ€™s hard to not want to be in there alone. I can relate. Nobody wants to come right out and say it especially because we donâ€™t know the whole story:
Think of your kids Hun: he will change if he seeâ€™s you changing i.e. if you become strong and set reasonable firm boundaries: heâ€™ll start taking the whole bed bug thing seriously (my feelings on it anyway).Whether he does or doesnâ€™tâ€”thatâ€™s no reflection on you or your level of â€œstrengthâ€ And to be sureâ€”I am not comparing this woman and her three men to your situationâ€”there I was mainly referring to the head board and how even SHE does not seem to allow her mind to accept the fact she has bed bugs! In this respect SHE sounds like your description of HIM, (denial wise) from some previous posts.
suggestion not advice Set and stick to firm boundaries with bed bug illimination and continued illimination as a top priority
Nobugsonme

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Posted 6 years ago
Tue May 1 2007 4:15:07
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For what it's worth, IF having the man live with you was a good option for other reasons (eg love, mutual respect, teamwork) AND you had a heart to heart and got him to see straight on being infested and needing to beat that himself as well as with you, THEN I'd say have him move in.

Continuing to date someone who lives in a shelter, I am sad to say, means the bugs will keep coming. You may have got them from another source, but you will get them again if you have intimate contact with someone living in a shelter.

All the shelters are infested (not just in NYC) and they are all receiving half-a$$ed treatment.

If this is the right guy for you, he will see sense and realize you are suffering and he needs to make that not so. (Lots of people, especially guys, aren't allergic... so he isn't necessarily JUST in denial. He may really believe he does not have them. But he has no right to believe (a) the shelter, or (b) you don't have them.

Off my soapbox.
S

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Posted 6 years ago
Tue May 1 2007 11:36:57
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Hey Jammin,

This is truly a tough situation. Maybe one of the toughest I've ever heard - and there are tons of folks here with tough situations.

I think it all comes down to his denial. Many of our spouses/partners/friends think we are overreacting. My boyfriend is kind and empathetic and he too was in denial. He too thought I was overreacting. You can be a sane, rational, levelheaded person with a wonderful spouse, and bedbugs can tear that all apart.

Because they aren't like anything else. They aren't cancer, which everybody knows is serious. They aren't war, which everybody knows is traumatizing. They aren't like anything else.

If you can get this man to understand you, and grasp the situation, and realize your need for his help, then I agree with Nobugs, he should move in. If he moves in, at least there aren't TWO residences in question, there is only ONE and that makes the whole situation simpler. Plus, you have a PCO hired, whereas he probably wouldn't at either of his living options.

But if he can't understand you, and he won't grasp the situation, and he refuses to realize that you need his help, then I think you need to impose some strict person-to-person contact regulations. You need to not see him, and not have your son see him either. This may sound harsh, but perhaps this will be the wake-up call he needs. If he refuses, you can get a restraining order. Maybe THAT would be the wake-up call he needs. He needs to know you're serious. And while he may not be the only source of your infestation, he is almost certainly perpetuating it. I hate to be so clear-cut, but if you can't get him to wake up, it's like, do you want this man, or do you want to be bug-free?

You may feel very alone without him, but a) you have your son, and b) you have a life still ahead of you to make new friends and new relationships. Bedbugs may feel like the end of one's life, but they are not. You will move on, eventually. I promise.

I encourage you to read this post by Nobugs, from the blog:

http://bedbugger.com/2007/03/14/faq-why-am-i-being-bitten-and-my-housemate-partner-friend-isnt/

Also, here is a string of comments on relationships, starting with one I wrote a few months ago:

http://bedbugger.com/2007/02/12/your-bed-bug-questions-tales-of-bed-bug-woe-etc/#comment-1362

It continues here, on the next "tales of woe" thread:

http://bedbugger.com/2007/02/22/share-your-tales-of-bed-bug-woe-questions-etc/

Many have gone through what you are going through, to a degree. We know. This is hard. This may be the hardest part. Keep your strength and keep us posted, okay?
nightshirt

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Posted 6 years ago
Tue May 1 2007 11:42:34
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nyjammin - what did he mean "should i go somewhere else" a threat he will find another g/f if you say he can't come over? if that is the case dump him. i have decided that i can do without people who are not on my side, dont have my best interest at heart and are selfish. believe it or not that does not eliminate everyone! lol. but seriously - cant see child, do not let him in your house and even if he did not have them himself, each night he goes back to the shelter he would have a chance of getting them. and the thing with bb's are that reinfestations are fathomable even with the most precautious people. so if he is going to the shelter to sleep every night - nix him. and he is not on your side on this or else he would understand the "waiting" period, etc. i dont like that about him. i am sure you are a wonderful person - dont settle. someone else will come along. if he is not on your side about bb's - what about when the really big stuff crops up?
nyjammin

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Posted 6 years ago
Tue May 1 2007 15:49:16
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Thanks guys for all your comments. This guy has been there for me like no other. He was there when I had a lot of big stuff going on: abusive husband, autistic son (not his), mental illness in my family, having to quit my job so I can take care of my autistic son because no babysitter would want to watch him. He's in a residential now where they take good care of him. He told me about residentials. No one else did. My abusive husband attacked him and then lied and said my boyfriend attacked him and my boyfriend got arrested. My boyfriend, not once said "Screw this woman and all her problems, see ya!" Never. He helped me through all my turmoils. Helps me with my son who is not his child who has emotional problems. What man would do that?

The reason he said "i'll go somewhere else" is because I've kicked him out of my place so many times he has no other response. Don't fault him for that. He meant live somewhere else, not about another woman. This is my dilemma guys. He says give it about 2-3 weeks and he's out of the shelter. I really hope so.

Everything that everyone said in this blog really helped me out soooo much. I'm so teary-eyed right now. You guys are great to care. I'll definitely keep you posted.
S

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Posted 6 years ago
Tue May 1 2007 15:58:22
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Hey Jammin,

If this guy is as wonderful as you say he is (and he does sound pretty wonderful), then my guess is that he'll come around.

You might need to try some new tactics, to help him understand. Honestly, bedbugs can throw off a relationship that is otherwise totally sound. I don't think it's totally his fault for being in denial. Denial is a pretty comfortable place to be.

Try this. It worked for my boyfriend. Ask him if there's anything he's really scared of. Like reeeeally scared, irrationally scared, phobia-scared. See if he can come up with something - heights, snakes, flying, who knows. Most people have at least one irrational fear. Ask him to tell you about it, and why he's scared of it. Now explain to him that bedbugs, for you, are like that. They are scary, and they cause you to react strongly. Not over-react, just react appropriately.

Also, you may have tried this but there is tons of information on this website about bedbugs. He needs to start learning. Maybe you could read some of the FAQ's on this site to him, or print them out for him. Something else that helped me is to show my boyfriend the CBC video (it's linked in the right sidebar on the blog, bedbugger.com). That really helped him to understand the nature of the beast, so to speak.

If this man is worth it to you, then you've got some work to do. I think you can do it - I did - but it's not easy. Your goal is to get him to stop denying the problem.
willow-the-wisp

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Posted 6 years ago
Tue May 1 2007 16:07:17
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wow good stuff. Have you asked him if, bed bug run around at night when people are sleeping and they are drawn to sleeping people, why, would they choose NOT to crawl into HIS nap-sack or HIS pocket. Tell him--show him--how samll they are in the photos too! We (I) am glad you feel we helped you. Thanks for clarifying more about him.
Best wishes-willow

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