Are Women More Obsessed About Bed bugs Than Men? « Got Bed Bugs? Bedbugger Forums

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Are Women More Obsessed About Bed bugs Than Men?

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Richard56

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Posted 2 years ago
Tue Oct 19 2010 14:35:42
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Probably get clobbered for this, but my observation on this forum is that the vast majority of those obsessed with bed bugs are women.

For example, you often read something like “My husband thinks I’m crazy”, or “My boyfriend really doesn’t care”, or “He really doesn’t think we have them” -- while you rarely read a man posting similar about his wife or significant other.

To be more specific, I’m not talking about the seeking information type of posts (how to treat, looking for a PCO, etc) – and certainly not about those in the industry here to help, or those who become expert in the topic since treating and have stayed around to share their knowledge -- but more about the type of posts where there is no conclusive evidence of bed bugs, or where a PCO after treatment has given an “all clear” but the person still continues to be consumed with the possibility they have bed bugs.

Of course I realize there are exceptions – and I include myself in this group -- however, my obsessed period only lasted around a month and ended shortly after I had acquired enough knowledge (mostly from here) to realize that no conclusive evidence of bed bugs pretty much means no bed bugs. Since then my Climbers, Beacon, Paktite, etc.are collecting dust.

So is it that many men simply “don’t care”, or are “unconcerned”, or is that the women in their life are overacting and being obsessed when they really shouldn’t be?

Anyway, wonder if others have had this observation, and what they think the reason might be.

Bed bugs are bad enough with the havoc they bring to people’s lives. I just hate to see the same havoc brought to the lives of people who really have no substantive basis to believe they have bed bugs – be it women or men. I had a month or so of it, and really don’t wish it on anyone.

FWIW I recently called a PCO to see if they knew anyone who might want to buy a used PakTite. He gave me the numbers of four people who I assume have been calling him. All were women.

Richard

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dunnoifBB

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Posted 2 years ago
Tue Oct 19 2010 14:48:02
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It seems so, but if my husband had these strange spots appear all over his body (so it is really just on my back and we aren't talking 2 or 3 spots. there are at least 20)without explination, he'd be freaking out too!
Jenn28

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Posted 2 years ago
Tue Oct 19 2010 14:51:06
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Richard,

I think you're right. My husband was a nightmare to deal with over this and I have never felt so alone in the 10 years we've been together. I could go on all day with the details, but it's in the past now. I can't trust him to tell him if he ever starts getting bitten again so I am on special alert by myself.

My mom always told me that my husband was being stupid about it becuase he has no standards. He's from a 3rd world country where you just live with it because there are no other means of getting rid of them. He didn't seem to mind getting bitten in the two months it took for the problem to fester to the point where I discovered it. He slept like a baby every night when we were going through this. I didn't react to the point where I noticed that something wasn't right until it was too late. It would have been nice if we could have caught the problem right when it started, but Mr. no standards can't live with a wife that panics.

Having said that, not every husband/boyfriend is from a 3rd world country and not every man has low standards. By the way, my standards are MUCH higher than my husbands. I think it's the same reason that women cry and men don't. It's a macho man thing. Men are supposed to be the stronger ones emotionally and supposed to set the example of good behavior when things like this happen. I'm not being sexist as I think that men and women are equals, it's just that women are more emotional. It tugs at our heart strings to think that we are being violated every night.

I really admire all the men out there who stick by their woman through this and are on the same page when it comes to emotions and standards. Having bed bugs is not acceptable and I like to see couples working together to get rid of the problem. Sadly that is not always the case.

So that's my rant! When it comes to my husband, it's the standards. I'd love to hear what other guys have to say about this. Great topic Richard
Sleepless in NYC

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Posted 2 years ago
Tue Oct 19 2010 15:07:30
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I live with Peter Pan. That says it all.
DeedleBeetle

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Posted 2 years ago
Tue Oct 19 2010 15:11:06
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Richard asked:
"So is it that many men simply “don’t care”, or are “unconcerned”, or is that the women in their life are overacting and being obsessed when they really shouldn’t be"

i think that these two points may be at the ends of the spectrum. There are, i think, a whole lots of varying options in between. For instance, could be like at my house...since woman takes on the challenge of dealing with the bb issue, man can continue with his daily routine without thinking much about it. My man seems to "not care" because he knows i'm on top of it.

I'd be more interested to know about those men i have heard about here from time to time to affirmatively frustrate the eradication of the bb infestation. I recall a lady who said her husband threatened to leave if she hired a PCO...i wonder what ever happened to that lady.

And it could be something connected with the question i posed a little while ago..whether women seem to get bitten by (or suffer more skin reactions to) bed bugs more than men. If so, then that would go a long way to answer the question whether or why women seem to be "obsessed" (i prefer to call it 'concerned with a goal of extinguishing the problem forever'). After all it is primarily the women or the house/spouses (of course i acknowledge exceptions and differences) who deal with the day to day general upkeep of health, safety and environmental issues of the home and those who reside (and visit) therein.
Jenn28

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Posted 2 years ago
Tue Oct 19 2010 15:43:41
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Oh yeah, I too remember that lady who's husband said he'd leave her. She private messaged me a few times, but has not been on here in quite a while. In her case it was simply because her and her kids were reacting to something but he was not and wouldn't hear of her making these stories up. I felt so bad for her.

You have a way with words Deedle. I admire your response
newandnervous

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Posted 2 years ago
Tue Oct 19 2010 15:48:32
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I would say, as a woman dealing with this, yes, we are more obsessed, worry more. My boyfriend, who does not live with me, says "they are just bugs." That attitude doesn't help! I have 2 kids away at school, so I have done everything on my own. My PCO and the dog handler also confirmed women are different about this than men. A lot of women, myself included, cried to the PCO when he confirmed.
DLIH

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Posted 2 years ago
Tue Oct 19 2010 16:22:09
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As a women, I'm freaking out big time and I dont even know yet if I have them (will find out tomorrow) but I'm freaking out waiting to find out. I have a King size bed and alot of bedding/skirt. I thought I'd leave it all on there for the dog to sniff out. Because this is just an initial inspection, why move it if the doggy who is 98% accurate doesnt find them, then I dont need to rush stuff. But if he does.. I'm in for a hell of a lot of work (outside of work) Now I'm sleeping in the middle of the bed on a smaller sheet with double side tape all around it (seemed to have worked that last two nights) no bumps on the back of my legs again, thank God. But never know... we'll see.
so unsettling

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Posted 2 years ago
Tue Oct 19 2010 18:41:34
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Not too much to add to points already well made. I suspect that men who tell their wives or girlfriends that it's much ado about nothing, are themselves in denial. I also find it hard to feel very good about a guy who sees his partner getting eaten alive and deals with it in a dismissive manner.

Another point is that men might be less freaked by bugs because they have done things like go to war, to boot camp, and often work at down and dirty jobs that might often bring them into contact with spiders, roaches, water bugs, etc. I realize this could sound sexist, but there might be something in it.

My experience on other websites suggests that women are more likely to be more expressive about things that are bothering them, than men are. I think men keep more inside themselves. Again, sound sexist, but just what a lot of evidence seems to suggest. Oh, and by the way, I am female. Seems appropriate to mention that here.
DeedleBeetle

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Posted 2 years ago
Tue Oct 19 2010 18:50:02
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So Unsettling wrote: ". . . I also find it hard to feel very good about a guy who sees his partner getting eaten alive and deals with it in a dismissive manner."

Deedle says: Yeeeeeeeeeeahhhh Baybeeee... Dats wut i'm tawkin' 'bout
nycyn

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Posted 2 years ago
Tue Oct 19 2010 18:57:32
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Richard--Thank you for starting an interesting topic.

Off the cuff:

It is hard to say. Women and men have very different coping and expressive styles. Women may appear to be to be more "obsessive" than men because the gals are more verbal and inclined to verbal intercourse as opposed to men who lean toward internal/mental problem solving.

Assumption here is that message board posting is a "verbal" expression in search of return of same.

So, it is a difficult thing to measure, and best left to research psychologists.

And maybe it's time to go back to that old best-seller: "Women Are From Venus--Men Are From Mars."
controlfreak

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Posted 2 years ago
Tue Oct 19 2010 19:13:38
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Since the beginning of this ordeal, i have been fighting with my husband almost every single day. Doing laundry is even a topic of discussion. He thinks i am crazy and he may be right. I like to do everything and more the pco has asked with the "assumption" that we have them, he thinks unless he sees an adult bug he doesn't need to do anything. Based on what i read here, i tell him not every one sees an adult bug and when you wait enough, it may be too late to get rid of them in 3 treatments. Now we are getting ready to move and everything is on my shoulders. I do feel like packing and leaving a lot beacuse i take it as a personal insult when every thing i say about this topic gets dismissed. I came home today and the pco removed the monitors. Last time they left a note saying there was no activity. Now there is no note. I know that there were dead gnats in one of the monitors so may be he wanted to take it and analyze what is in there, may be they are going to inform the landlord directly. I sit here and worry about it, my husband doesn't care. If they say they found something in there, i know that he is going to say he doesn't believe them. It is a no win situation. My family lives far far away and i have been away from them for a very long time. These last 2 months i miss them every day. As someone else said, i have never felt this alone... Anyway, may be it is beacuse of that extra arm of the X, we may be more tragic or may be we think of our home as our domain and take it personal when bunch of bugs make us watch where we sit, where we sleep. I am going to have a glass of wine now.
nycyn

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Posted 2 years ago
Tue Oct 19 2010 19:25:50
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Sleepless in NYC - 4 hours ago »
I live with Peter Pan. That says it all.

On the other hand there is this quote:

"The world consists only of women and children."~~I said that

Meanwhile, I still think there's something in my post above.
BBQueen

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Posted 2 years ago
Tue Oct 19 2010 20:38:38
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I posted a similar query in a thread a while back. It seems, from reading many of the threads, that a lot of women here are upset by the whole thing while the guys don't seem that worried about it, or not taking the same measures as the women. Obviously it won't be the case for everyone.
KillerQueen

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Posted 2 years ago
Tue Oct 19 2010 21:16:05
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Richard,

Wesley Snipes said it best to Woody Harrelson in the 1992 film "White Men Can't Jump"

~ Listen to the woman.
SearchandDestroy

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Posted 2 years ago
Tue Oct 19 2010 21:33:00
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Well...I'd say a couple of reasons (from my experience only).

I take care of the home, therefore my husband decided early on that I would take the lead on this and be "the expert." In the case of bbs, there really only needs to be 1...if we were butting heads over who is in "control" we'd really be in a sorry state.

My husband easily admits that he's good at shutting things out. Compartmentalizing, he calls it. That's his coping skill and in this case, it really came in handy. I didn't learn that skill, whether that's a gender issue.. I don't know.

To his credit, he has been very supportive throughout. Yes, thinks I obsess and I do because I'm the one trying to solve the problem.

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy...and I can't wait for the day when I can stop thinking about this and go back to my blissful state of being.
bug-tired

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Posted 2 years ago
Tue Oct 19 2010 21:37:33
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I think my boyfriend is upset by the fact that I'm upset and probably feels guilty because there's a chance he may have brought them to my house.

In the beginning, I was scared to DEATH to get in bed....I asked if it bothered him and he said "I'm not afraid of bugs." You know what, I'm not so afraid of them myself anymore.

He doesn't live here but has spent countless hours bagging, cleaning, vacuuming, steaming, caulking, etc., etc., anything I need help with, he does, and that speaks volumes to me.
cilecto

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Posted 2 years ago
Tue Oct 19 2010 22:08:35
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> Are Women More Obsessed About Bed bugs Than Men?

Not at the house of Lecto.
newandnervous

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Posted 2 years ago
Tue Oct 19 2010 22:18:41
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So Unsettling is right about men going to war, bootcamp (not that women don't or haven't!!) - my boyfriend who looks at them as "just bugs" was a marine and also lived in an apartment with cockroaches and he wasn't particularly bothered by them. I can't even imagine. But then again, I have now been dealt the bed bug hand, so I'd take any other bug at this point. And speaking of bugs, why is it that I have lots of different bugs that I never noticed before - water bugs, crickets, an occasional stink bug?!?!? It's crazy-making.
Jacksfullofaces

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Posted 2 years ago
Wed Oct 20 2010 8:57:47
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I'm a woman and fascinated by cimex. I even have one of Lou's fantastic pictures for my desktop. Despite being very badly affected by their bites (I have adrenalin in the house) I have a sneaking admiration for these ingenious little creatures. You might all groan but I hate reading accounts of torturing them for revenge. I can fully understand a vengeful killing blow but not calculated torture of an insect.
Obviously I don't want them living in our home and we last spotted one on 27th August but I don't freak out about cimex neither does my husband.
Partly thanks to watching Lou on U Tube with his colony. I ws so astonished I grew to take a interest in their behaviour.
Jacks
cilecto

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Posted 2 years ago
Wed Oct 20 2010 10:43:58
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> I have a sneaking admiration for these ingenious little creatures.

Ci likes (hence the handle).
BugsInTO

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Posted 2 years ago
Wed Oct 20 2010 11:17:24
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It took longer for my husband to "get it", but once he did, he was a full partner in the fight.

Both of us were being bitten. He was much braver about going to bed. He had the "they're bugs, we have to sleep, we have to sleep here to keep them focussed, get over it" approach.

There was some friction because my bagging protocol was more obsessive than his, but not by much.

He was more willing to try self-treatment and experiementation. I was more "bring in the professionals."

My brother got bitten in a hotel room and called me and did a full protocol. He took it very seriously.

But, neither my husband or my brother were interested in reading or posting on the forum. My husband did lots of internet research, but all fact based.

Neither my husband or my brother became politicized about it the way I did.
Jenn28

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Posted 2 years ago
Wed Oct 20 2010 11:43:46
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My husband felt so strong about this not being a big deal, he said if the PCO had to come back after the 1st and 2nd treatment (if the bugs came back), he would leave.........that's perfectly good solution for someone who needs some balls!!! He concerned himself more with the way that I was handling it, than he was having bugs and being bitten at night. Apparently I wasn't being an adult about it. I will never forgive him for not telling me when he first started getting bitten. It still makes my blood boil to this day. He knows nothing about bed bugs. He let the infestation fester for 2 months and then says "oh my god, there's so many of them". HELLO!! STUPID!! He didn't think we needed to do anything about it. He doesn't realize that they'll spread to the neighbors, they breed and breed and breed until there are a ton of them! Any pest control issue can get out of hand quickly, whether it be bed bugs, mice, wasps etc. He actually blamed me for leaving my snotty tissues in the garbage for too long before taking it out!!! Like I said, it still makes my blood boil. I brought up the issue of standards and maybe some of you girls are right. It's not necessarily an issue of "obsession" but depending on the person or couple involved, it's different. My husband has no standards, some men just think that their wife is crazy, some don't think it's a big deal just because (who cares why) and some just don't get it! My husband was all of the above. He told me that he thought that this was putting a strain on our marriage.........well then where's the help, the concern, the love, the support you're supposed to show? Some of you know how frustrating this is or was. The number 1 reason I fear the return of bed bugs is simply because I don't know what will happen to my relationship the 2nd time around. If your husband/partner stands behind you 100% you are very lucky!
Jenn28

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Posted 2 years ago
Wed Oct 20 2010 12:00:11
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Some men on this forum are having the same kind of problems with their wife/girlfriend. Just so we know that this isn't an attack on one particular sex. I have some anger towards my husband over this. That's not male bashing, it just means that he's an idiot and me? It's hard to be taken so far out of your comfort zone. I handled it the best way I knew how. I probably was not perfect to deal with or live with at times.
SearchandDestroy

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Posted 2 years ago
Wed Oct 20 2010 12:23:23
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Sorry to hear that Jenn28...it really requires the partner to be supportive..and well, really all the people in the household, whomever they may be. This crap is hard enough to deal with but it's harder when others stick their head in the sand. You've probably made it thru though so brighter days are ahead, I hope.
buggyinsocal

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Posted 2 years ago
Thu Oct 21 2010 0:46:18
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Just a reminder that making broad generalizations based on people who are posting the board is pretty unsound methodology. There's an inherent sample selection bias at work in any "place," whether it's brick and mortar or virtual.

It may appear that on these boards, there are a lot of stories of women who have male partners who are not as bothered by the bugs, but there's no scientifically sound way to be sure that the people who post here are a representative sample. It could be, for example, that the women with uncooperative male partners here are, for some reason, more likely to post about being bothered by the lack of cooperation from their partners while the men with uncooperative partners are not as likely to post about their own frustrations with a similar dynamic.

I'm not saying that there isn't possibly a trend there.

What I'm saying is that making that conclusion based on an inherently biased sample set (the people who come to the boards are people who seek out both advice and support for a bed bug problem), so as far as the social scientists would be concerned, that's kind of the equivalent of trying to do an unbiased study of people's attitudes about exercise by interviewing only the kids who opted out of gym or only the people at your local Gold's Gym: because of where you gathered the data, you're starting out with an inherent bias.

If we really wanted to know if that were quantitatively true, someone would need to design a properly randomized study that would remove the sample selection bias issue.
bugnut

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Posted 2 years ago
Thu Oct 21 2010 9:57:44
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Buggy - I missed your posts! I re-read your old ones when I get down (I am 3 months clear - nothing out of bgas yet)

For the record, my husband was both dismissive and supportive at different times. I could never have taken apart the beds (several times) to inspect without his help and he did build me a big packtite for furniture items. He also changes in the garage every day.

He knows I am obsessive about this issue but also knows the risk of exposure is real.
DeedleBeetle

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Posted 2 years ago
Thu Oct 21 2010 12:48:23
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Buggy...

i missed your posts too. I had to go back and dredge up your old posts just to hear your voice, for crying out loud.

Sure...i know this ain't scientific...but it's interesting (to me at least).

Uhhmmm Jenn..okay...Ahhh...so how do you REALLY feel about it???!?
Jenn28

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Posted 2 years ago
Thu Oct 21 2010 13:33:00
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How do I really feel? It's not necessarily an obsession, just a major concern and how men and women deal differently with this concern. If the subject was reworded to say. "If you had bed bugs and left your partner to deal wtih it, would they step up to the plate? I would love to see what kind of answers would come in. I agree with what buggyinsocal had to say though, as it makes a lot of sense:

"It may appear that on these boards, there are a lot of stories of women who have male partners who are not as bothered by the bugs, but there's no scientifically sound way to be sure that the people who post here are a representative sample. It could be, for example, that the women with uncooperative male partners here are, for some reason, more likely to post about being bothered by the lack of cooperation from their partners while the men with uncooperative partners are not as likely to post about their own frustrations with a similar dynamic."

I'm going to say that women are more concerned than men. If I have to pick a side, that's what I'm going with. The sleepless nights, the crying, the worrying, etc etc etc. Men don't worry like we do. they still worry but it's a different kind of worry. If we were talking about a man and women worrying about their child in the hospital or something, that's different. To a lot of men, bed bugs are just bugs. I don't think that a lot of women out there would say that they are just bugs. A nightmare more like it.

Now look what you started Richard LOL!
WestSide22

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Posted 2 years ago
Thu Oct 21 2010 13:50:29
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I also wonder if the problem is that, as women, we just have more stuff. Just run with me on this a sec: We have more stuff that has to be dried, laundered, dry cleaned, steamed ... and likely, ruined in the process. We have special shoes that make us feel great ... we have "that dress" that always makes us feel amazing ... I know from personal experience, SO much of my stuff has just been destroyed in the process. So we feel it on that level as well as all the excellent points brought up above.
so unsettling

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Posted 2 years ago
Thu Oct 21 2010 17:15:53
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Buggyinsocial--good points. And this isn't a representative sample. It is by definition populated by people who are inclined to seek out internet message boards to deal with their issues. Not eveyone does that. There are tens of thousands of people who share our crisis who have probably, at most, come here for information and then left.

I had another thought about this. Although many of the women who post here are feeling unsupported by their husbands, could it not be that the men in these relationships provide some kind of balance by not obsessing or freaking so much? We all have to find a way, eventually, to get on with our lives despite what's happening, and someone who is always remembering that they "are just bugs" is probably in a better place already than many of us. I hope the day comes for me when I can go read or do my music or something I enjoy, and tell myself that they are "just bugs." I am not there yet, but will have to get there if I am going to survive psychologically.
Richard56

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Posted 2 years ago
Fri Oct 22 2010 11:59:35
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WestSide: We have special shoes that make us feel great ...
---------------------------------------
Are Women More Obsessed About Bed bugs Than Men? It appears that "WestSide" may have found the answer -- and why didn't I think about it myself??? -- it comes down to simply having a lot more shoes
------------------------

But seriously, lots of interesting discussion, and as a man I've certainly learned something(s) -- not just about this subject, but things that can be carried over to other parts of life as well.

That said, the one point that wasn't touched upon as much is whether this "obsession" (substitute whatever word you want) can also cloud judgments and result in unnecessary treatments and unnecessary stress, i.e. thinking one has bed bugs when one doesn't. (I do understand there is also the other side of the coin -- being in denial when one really has bed bugs -- but my concern here is for those that have no conclusive signs of bed bugs, i.e. specimens, fecal stains, cast skins, but continue to worry they have bed bugs.) Maybe for another thread.

Again, great responses and I do understand this is not a scientific survey, but personally I found it very informative to hear what everyone's opinions were.

Richard
cilecto

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Posted 2 years ago
Fri Oct 22 2010 12:35:36
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Could obsession, ahem, concern about bedbugs be connected with who in the house is likely to bear the burden of remediating the problem?
Jenn28

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Posted 2 years ago
Fri Oct 22 2010 13:59:35
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cilecto - 1 hour ago »
Could obsession, ahem, concern about bedbugs be connected with who in the house is likely to bear the burden of remediating the problem?

If you put that task on someone who doesn't give a crap, then No. If they are not concerned, then making them responsible for remediating the problem won't change how they feel. The problem just won't get dealt with properly. I would hope that in a house hold where all are concerned, that everyone helps out. Yes, you are right, it could be the burden put on one person, but that's probably because there is no help from the other.
bb_gave_me_ocd

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Posted 2 years ago
Sat Oct 23 2010 12:35:09
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As a male person I am ready to put my obsession and worry up against that of any woman around. I don't have a wife/girlfriend to compare with, but my mom didn't seem nearly as freaked out as I was.

I'm very sorry for those of you who have to go through this with a partner who doesn't offer support and understanding. (If this is coming off creepy, like I'm hitting on bed bug victims, let me just say it wasn't intended that way.)
DeedleBeetle

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Posted 2 years ago
Sat Oct 23 2010 12:53:59
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@bbgavemeOCD...well...mothers...mothers and their sons...that's a whole 'nother topic!!

@Richard and WestSide: nope...i don't think so...not in my case. I'm the classic tomboy. (if you look up the word in the dictionary, you'll see my picture beside the definition)...my husband is the one with the special shoes, boots, suits, shirts, etc. Me? i do very well with a few pair of slax, shoes and shirts. No fancy or special shoes goin' on over here for me.

okay...so husband is getting ready to travel again and i was reminding him of the checklists and everything he has to do at the hotel....i was asking for the name of the place he'll be staying this time so i can check it on the Internet before he makes his reservation....you know what he had the "huevos" to say to me? "don't be fanatic." Don't be fanatic? Don't be freakin' fanatic? You see???? This is what i'm talking about...husbands with this mind set SUCK!! (Me sitting down now to draft my own divorce papers).

(Edited to remove smilie face...i'm NOT smiling)
cilecto

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Posted 2 years ago
Sat Oct 23 2010 13:16:45
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I wasn't saying that my wife doesn't care. She does, and I believe if we were to have to deal with this at home, she'll give it 110%. Just that AFAIK, this forum isn't the first and last place she visits every day. More that my own concern might extend from my role as caregiver for my parents. People tell me that this role is more often carried out by women. In short, I'm thinking that the person who feels responsible for carrying out the prep instructions is the most concerned.
scaredsilly

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Posted 2 years ago
Sat Oct 23 2010 19:45:00
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My penny's worth: women and men are hardwired differently and maybe this has something to do with this issue. Women may be more in tune with their bodies and their environment because women developed as caretakers, and sensitivity and awareness are needed traits for this. In early human history, men were the protectors and providers and maybe lack of concern about small things (bug bites), was evolved or created for the purpose focusing on a bigger picture?

There is no doubt to me that there is a sensitivity division, a physical and emotional one. If I get a paper cut, I notice it right away. Hubby has actually cut part of his finger off with a skillsaw and I had to drag him (protesting) to the hospital.

I've already chronicled husband's denial of bb's. He does get bit, but insists his bites and blood stained pillow mean nothing. If it weren't up to me, I'm sure he'd be having a bedbug festival in our home. I am slowly getting him to seal his ziplock bags though!
Jenn28

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Posted 2 years ago
Sat Oct 23 2010 19:57:52
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So I see you're getting a taste of what I go through Deedle! Welcome to my world! When we both divorce our husbands, you can come live here. Job prospects are good and this city is crawing with less bed bugs than yours!

*Sigh* Husbands, we love them! We want to kill them sometimes, but we love them!
DeedleBeetle

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Posted 2 years ago
Sat Oct 23 2010 21:47:55
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Yep...God certainly knew what He was doing when He gave them that unusual appendage....without it i'm sure we'd have absolutely no use for them!! Well...maybe some of them make good friends and mice catchers.
SearchandDestroy

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Posted 2 years ago
Sat Oct 23 2010 22:09:21
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ha ha..Deedle. Oh my...hmmm, yes they can be real pains in the arse, just like these bugs...

Since my hubby brought to wrapped pieces of furniture to the dump today, he'll stay on the "keeper" list. Now..if he would just sort thru some of those clothes that I've heated to death...
The Reluctant Entomologist

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Posted 2 years ago
Sat Oct 23 2010 22:20:13
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Ha! Deedle, I'd forgotten that your hubby goes nowhere w/o his mustache wax! Yes, he does sound a lot more "high maintenance" than you do.

As far as "stuff" goes, I've personally always been pretty anti-stuff, and I'm not saying my ex-husband had special shoes or anything; he just had a lot of...special...stuff.

Let's see...cigarette collections from all around the world (though he doesn't smoke), ironic communist paraphernelia, a fez, dozens of polyester suits, all kinds of weird bartending implements, a collection of crazy hats and sunglasses, weird, heavy kitchen instruments that were collecting dust, a broken old T.V. set, enough building materials in the basement to build a "whole nother" house, teapots full of quarters. (Okay, I'm not complaining about those; there was a couple of hundred bucks in there. Shh. Don't tell. That never came up in the divorce settlement).

Oh, and pets! No one believes me; I'm not saying I don't love them to pieces, but he's the reason I have 3 cats. (Every time I turned around, he was bringing another one home. And yet there's no word for "crazy cat man.") He really wanted to get some illegal wild animals, so I think we got divorced just in time.

HE is just...um, special.

I had a "special needs" husband. What can I say? He always made me laugh, and we had great sex!

He did try to help with the bb thing (though I remember that he made some remark like, "I'm sorry you're wanting to kill yourself over some bugs"). For some reason, we're friends now. And he still does crack me up.
noanestheticNYC

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Posted 2 years ago
Sun Oct 24 2010 1:27:59
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After 4 months of continuous involuntary experimentation, I can say that (1) I am bitten more frequently than my husband, (2) I feel them more immediately and painfully than he does, and (3) he nonetheless gets bitten occasionally and feels it. Both of us have the variety of bites to show for it (though no bugs over 2nd instar nymphs trapped--the mystery continues!). For those of you in the early stages of this process, 99% of the difficulty is epistemic, that is, a problem with the knowledge and belief of people who are not as painfully affected by the bites themselves (leave the neuroses and obsessions, etc. aside for now). Thus the isolation, fatalism, feeling that it will never end, you will never get your normal life back, the city will never figure out how to get them out of public places, you will have an infestation you can never find and reach, etc. I myself am a personal, constant bedbug monitor--and I think at this point my husband is grateful to the early warning, if also exhausted, frustrated, and unhappy at the spectacle of my life-altering misery, displacement, and labor. Two other things for women and the men who love them: women (and men with more hair), wash your hair before you get into bed each and every night--they're in there accumulating from the day and you don't know it. Also, there is a non-addictive cocktail for the nights that can reduce the whole problem to the bites and the bites ONLY: 1 clonazepan and 1 benedryl (or 2 benedryl for really bad biting days) will completely eliminate the bedbug memory of the preceding day and you will not wake up in the night WORRYING about bedbugs in any way. Actual real-time bites, if you feel them, will wake you up, but if your bed is secure, this combo will get you through the night--every night, and seriously cuts down on hysteria, fatalism, isolation, etc. from day to day.
friendhasbb

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Posted 2 years ago
Thu Oct 28 2010 16:47:59
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Controlfreak wrote:

Since the beginning of this ordeal, i have been fighting with my husband almost every single day. Doing laundry is even a topic of discussion. He thinks i am crazy and he may be right. I like to do everything and more the pco has asked with the "assumption" that we have them, he thinks unless he sees an adult bug he doesn't need to do anything.

My story too. I got most of the bites and do most of the worrying. Bites reduced or nonexistent in last 3 weeks after encasing mattress. So far we haven't found physical evidence. My husband is usually supportive but in this case says we no longer have a problem.
Nobugsonme

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Posted 2 years ago
Thu Oct 28 2010 16:56:32
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cilecto - 6 days ago »
Could obsession, ahem, concern about bedbugs be connected with who in the house is likely to bear the burden of remediating the problem?

What I see time and again is that the obsessed person in a household is often the one who is reacting to bed bugs the most, suffering the most.

Often this person seems to be the one burdened with dealing with the problem, since the other person (or people) doesn't (don't) get it's such a big deal.

Let's face it, if you don't react to bed bug bites, a lot of people are going to tolerate this situation really well.

I have only anecdotal evidence.
DeedleBeetle

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Posted 2 years ago
Thu Oct 28 2010 17:39:33
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well...NoBugs..if you ever have another infestation of bbs i'll generously send my husband right over to your place to live for the duration of the treatment process so you'll have more than just anectdotal evidence. Why shouldn't you have the pleasure of having real life, personal knowledge experience? Of course you should.....so just say the word!
Jenn28

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Posted 2 years ago
Thu Oct 28 2010 18:38:00
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Nobugsonme said: "Let's face it, if you don't react to bed bug bites, a lot of people are going to tolerate this situation really well".

That is partly true. I was not reacting to bites and my husband was. I could care less about bites. For me, the thought that bugs were living in my bed (and god knows where else) did me in.
Bug wary

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Thu Oct 28 2010 18:48:15
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Hmmm. Probaly for the same reason that male animals eat their young.

I watched a piece on CNN the other day in which youg adult men and women were interviewed about whether bed bugs would be an issue in deciding whether to go back to a girl/guy's place. Women- absolutely. Men?-dogs. As long as there was the possibility of them getting some, they were in.
benbit

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Posted 2 years ago
Thu Oct 28 2010 19:15:58
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I am responding to Nobugsonme Post: "What I see time and again is that the obsessed person in a household is often the one who is reacting to bed bugs the most, suffering the most."

I think this highly likely. I went on a recent trip with a friend (not lover). We shared same rooms/different beds. I was bitten as though I'd been in a bed bug nest. My friend never had one blemish. As I had confirmed "insect bite" through a medical procedure and looked at the bites (many with breakfast, lunch, dinner pattern), I was confident they were bed bugs. Then I went through the next week(s) anxious---did I bring them home? Did I not? My friend too was anxious because of my condition----my friend had a K9 team available to inspect. The city I live in has no such resource. My friend's K9 inspection proved negative. Remember, my friend never had one blemish. We were in the same room(s)/different beds----I was bitten astronomically. My friend shrieks Eureka when the dog came up with negative results. And, thereafter, I am labled PARANOID. Really? I pointed out that I was the one with the bites!!!! I read these posts and people who have been bitten are having reactions weeks and months after being bitten and are trying to determine whether it is their imagination or not; wheather recent or latent. I am not qualified to affirm or disaffirm, but some of the content on the internet suggests that one may react to a bite some 6 months after the bite (the most I'm scomfortable with is 10 to 18 days, but yikes, there is eveidence for longer reaction times). Point is, if you haven't been bitten severly (AT ALL, OR HAVE NOT HAD SEVERE REACTIONS) YES, I think there is and may be one OBSESSED person. I AM ONE OF THOSE! despite my friend's reaction to dismiss it (since that person was not the one bitten!). Comments always apprecitated.

TO: deedlebeedle
Affections may be changing; Jenn28 pretty astute.
Nobugsonme

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Posted 2 years ago
Thu Oct 28 2010 19:27:18
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DeedleBeetle - 1 hour ago »
well...NoBugs..if you ever have another infestation of bbs i'll generously send my husband right over to your place to live for the duration of the treatment process so you'll have more than just anectdotal evidence. Why shouldn't you have the pleasure of having real life, personal knowledge experience? Of course you should.....so just say the word!

No thanks! I am sure he's really nice, but...

Sorry, I wasn't clear. When I say anecdotal evidence, my anecdotes and yours are among them.

I had a relationship which was seriously messed up by just this dynamic, because I was the person who reacted badly to bites, and I was living with someone who could care less and thought I was overreacting, because he didn't notice the problem, at least for a while.

Once you have evidence, it's one thing. You're "overreacting." (Literally, unfortunately.)

But before that, it is a nightmare, having the people you love most thinking you're imagining things and "acting hysterical".

Since this was before bed bugs became a household term in NYC, multiply all of that by 10. People were even more clueless then.
Jenn28

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Fri Oct 29 2010 0:16:08
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Bug wary - 5 hours ago »
Hmmm. Probaly for the same reason that male animals eat their young.
I watched a piece on CNN the other day in which youg adult men and women were interviewed about whether bed bugs would be an issue in deciding whether to go back to a girl/guy's place. Women- absolutely. Men?-dogs. As long as there was the possibility of them getting some, they were in.

LMAO!!!!! There's nothing like a quicky in a bb infested bed!
DeedleBeetle

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Fri Oct 29 2010 0:35:56
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@NoBugs....oh...okay...i'll put hubby back in his cage for now. I'm so sorry that you also went through the whole "you're imaging, overreacting, being a fanatic, obsessed" whatever routine. oh well..it's better to know whether the people we're with could deal with emergency and stressful situations. I like a person who, if there were an emergency, could act. if we're on a deserted island, we can make do...who's resourceful, intelligent, inventive, energetic, creative and still has a good humor. I suppose that's asking alot...but i think that also describes me and what i offer so why wouldn't i want something similar? (okay so i can not add "humble" to my list of character traits).

@ BenBit: Yes, i agree with you about Jenn. I also enjoy her posts ...so if you prefer her over me...if she makes you happy...., then who am i to stand in the way of true bb love??? sniffle sniffle sniffle (exit...stage left)

@Jenn...ohhhhh grosss...i am so glad that my hubby was far away when i was dealing with the bbs...there is nooooooooo waaaaaaaay in the world that i was interested in a quickie or anything else in this bed at that time. Maybe a desk or sewing room table might have worked. I'm glad i didn't have that challenge then...ohhhh yuckkkkyyyy
HelpinDC

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Posted 2 years ago
Tue Dec 28 2010 17:50:24
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This has definitely been my experience. I think that it's also at least partially due to the fact that my husband either has not gotten bitten or has no reaction to the bites. He is constantly accusing me of overreacting and even gets mad at my worrying. (One time I thought I felt a bug on me and jumped, causing my fork to make a clanging noise on my plate, and he yelled at me. ) (It turned out to be a tuft of cat hair.) He also seemed to want to do a 'half-ass' job of preparing our apartment for the PCO to come - I had to do most of the work. For the life of me, I cannot understand how this is not a big deal to him - WE HAVE BED BUGS!!!!!!!

Now we've discovered that his best friend has bed bugs (after we've completed our treatment) and he seems unconcerned about the very real prospect of his friend bringing bed bugs back to our apartment when he visits (see the thread I started about this). I currently have 13 very itchy and painful bites on my body from his friend's apartment and he couldn't seem to care less.
victimized

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Posted 2 years ago
Tue Dec 28 2010 19:17:04
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Not much I can add to this discussion other than... yeah.

There are moments, those kind gentle moments when I am upset and my other half is holding me and telling me everything will be alright. The rest of the time he is standing there like a flag pole in a blizzard screaming at me that he will give me until such and such date for this to be all over with.

The nightly routine of stripping down and showering before bed... (grumbles) "Can't believe I have to strip down again and take another shower! Just took one last night!"

Then there is the car. Oh ho. He insists on using it and while I'd rather walk than sit in a car not knowing if I'm sitting in a hot bed of bed bugs, I want him to at least strip down when coming into the house from the car just in case. His boots got stolen off the porch and he blamed me. He then proceeded to blame the problem on me simply because I am disrupting his daily routine of unproductive and sedentary existence.

It is like what many others have said. I studied psychology but even before that knew something about the idea of social training. Girls and boys, their differences in character and the culture in which they will enter into is a socially predetermined thing. Males are discouraged from being whiney and emotional yet it is not only tolerated when done by females but expected as typical feminine behaviour. It is true that men are sometimes more acclimated to being around things like bugs, but it has more to do with the way we are trained to handle such situations. It is also a predetermined trait that women be afraid of bugs and dirt and such. Then there is the physical impact of bed bugs on one's appearance. Women spazz out over a single pimple or cold sore because being beautiful is an ideal and being covered with red bumps and welts and scars makes it a little hard for barbie to promenade the town in her skimpy evening gown.
I am a female and have feared that the PCO takes me less seriously because I am a female and possibly dismisses my concern as a typical over exaggeration by a skitzy chick. The problem is real to all of you who keep questioning or doubting, FYI. I am the only one here smart enough to not only diagnose correctly but come up with all the plans. As at least one other said, maybe it does have something to do with the fact that the person taking lead of the situation is left to do all the worrying with the work, or maybe some people just don't care. My sister is a perfect example of a female who doesn't care. She criticized me for over reacting because they are just bugs and that it isn't that big of a deal. I think my other half is just too lazy.
victimized

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Posted 2 years ago
Tue Dec 28 2010 19:27:30
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scaredsilly - 2 months ago »
If it weren't up to me, I'm sure he'd be having a bedbug festival in our home. I am slowly getting him to seal his ziplock bags though!

You're not alone there, that's for damned sure. My parents keep begging me to move back home. Why would I leave a place that is confirmed to have bugs to a place that may or may not also have them and lose more than half my stuff in the process?? I wonder daily what would happen if I did leave tomorrow. No doubt the dirty clothes would pile up, the zip lock bags would remained unsealed and cross contaminated dirty/clean. The list is endless. He'd continue on with his silly life as if nothing were wrong and infest everyone else and I swear I told him this last night at 3am when we were fighting. I said.. want to talk about being lonely? Get all of your family's homes infested and let them track it back to you and tell me how lonely it'd be when they'd never talk to you again. Infest the library... the dr's office... etc.
I have to literally stand there as he strips down to put his clothes into a bag or dryer and get his clean clothes out or else he will go into the wrong bags. I've already come home from work riddled with bites and stress just to find a clean bag OPENED and ON THE BED! Three others in the closet were not properly closed nor a dirty bag and clean one downstairs. He pulled something from the dirty bag to wear again. I was ready to just give up and almost had a heart attack. All those clothes had to be considered dirty after that ,plus the bags put on dirty clothes duty leaving us with a greater clean bag shortage.