The Onion’s slacker commentator Jim Anchower described his bout with bed bugs last week in I Had Bedbugs, But They’re All Cleared Up Now.
Anchower claims he got bed bugs from a sofa he found on a curb. He tosses out all his stuff, but finds the silver lining.
The good thing is that I had to wash all my clothes, so I’ve got two weeks before I run out of clean skivvies and have to freeball it again. I don’t remember the last time every piece of clothing I owned was clean.
I should have known it was too good to be true, a couch that looks like that, brown velvet with no rips or stains and not smelling like pee. Man, no one throws away a piece of furniture that fine. From now on, I’m not pulling anything out of the garbage until I ask the owners if they got bedbugs. And I hope that happens soon, because I am tired of sleeping on a pile of blankets on the floor.
The details — laundering everything one owns, sleeping on plastic chairs — suggest someone at The Onion probably has some insider knowledge about bed bugs.