A taste of Alan Good’s latest Global War on Bed Bugs column in McSweeney’s:
It is necessary to explain a biological fact before revealing the list of people I would bite if I were a bedbug: a bedbug partakes of five blood meals in its nasty journey from egg to adulthood. Consequently, your hematophagous narrator could only dine on five of his enemies. If I name more than five people, assume some of them are backups.
(Note, reader, that there are a few people, not mentioned here, whom I’d rather save for when I’ve moved far enough up the karmic ladder to be able to return as a brain-sucking alien.)